It seems like recently, I've been noticing a whole lot of people being assholes. Well, actually, that's not recent. People have always been assholes. I think it should be added to the list of universal constants. What makes this in any way noteworthy, is that it seems like people are now excusing their assholery using the term "personal responsibility".
Essentially, this works as a "get out of being called a dickhead free" card. Here is how you use it:
Step 1: Do something remarkably dickish.
Step 2: Wait to be called out on your crappy behavior.
Step 3: Tell the injured party that it is, in fact, not YOUR problem, but theirs. They are responsible for their own life, actions, and feelings.
Step 4: Look all smug and generally act as though you are more emotionally evolved than the person you just screwed over.
Step 5: Feel no remorse, ever.
Still not sure? Here are some real-life examples.
- The guy who was in the playground with his kids, and decided to leave by walking through the off-leash dog park, not through the separate exit. Then, on strolling through the off leash dog park (full of, funnily enough, off-leash dogs), decided to dribble/bounce a ball on his way. When the dogs went after the ball (as dogs, in dog parks, tend to do) he got furious. We should all have trained our dogs better. Clearly, it was not HIS fault for refusing to display common sense. Nope. All on us.
- The guy who left a girl in a bar, after insinuating he would be taking her home, in order to meet a different girl (me), and actually take her home. When the first girl called him to see where he went (unsurprisingly) and tell him that she was pretty disappointed, as she thought that they had plans, he told her that he was "sorry that she felt that way, but her feelings were really up to her, not him".
- The woman who refused to pick up the litter she dropped, and when told that dogs or small children could get at it and get sick, replied that in that case, people should train their dogs and watch their children more closely.
- Every woman, ever, who has decided that she will NOT contact the man that she is interested in/seeing/dating, because "if he wants to see me, he will make the effort", not realizing that he could be applying that same logic, and she might want to try putting herself out there. Just a little.
Got it? Good.
Now don't get me wrong. I am all for actual personal responsibility. The kind where you make every effort to take control of your life and your emotions, and don't fall into the trap of the victim, blaming everyone else for your problems.
The thing is, what most people are doing is so far from personal responsibility that it is almost comical. Are you really going to tell me that you should not take any responsibility, or admit to any control over the situation, because every one else should be taking responsibility and control?!??
Why is it so difficult to grasp that this is something that you do yourself, not something that you tell other people to do, or a way to dispense with empathy, consideration, or understanding. Hint: it's right there in the name. PERSONAL. Responsibility.
Monday 22 July 2013
Thursday 18 July 2013
Real Life Wednesday: San Diego Comic Con
Every year, SDCC rolls around, and every year, it makes me feel like a bad nerd that I'm not there....
I go to my local comicons (in fact, I am a bit of a convention whore, what with cosplay cons, horror cons, comic cons, even food and lifestyle cons! I just...love them.) and this year I managed to get my ass to the US to go to Crypticon in Seattle.
And then, there is Comic Con. The mother of all conventions, the one by which all others are measured, the one con to rule them all.
I must journey there.
Of course, the main issue is cost. Not just the flights and hotels and tickets....frankly, that is affordable. The fact that I am physically incapable of going and not buying stuff. Lots of stuff. Stuff that can be signed. Stuff that has that magic "exclusive" label. Oh yes...and food. That too.
Oh, but it would be worth it. Anyone who has ever grown up with the nerd label knows how good it feels to find yourself in a crowd where your random references are understood, where you don't get those blank stares, where everyone else not only knows what fangirling is, but does it along with you. Aaaaaah.
For that one weekend, I would get to delve into the depths of my nerdom. I wouldn't have to hold back.
And that would be stupendous.
Because let's face it, most of the time, I tend to deal with a lot of this:
Sigh.
Wednesday 17 July 2013
The Responsible Slut: The Phone Call No One Wants To Make
So you read last week's "Responsible Slut" post, and you went and got yourself tested. It was pretty hassle-free, painless, and you are feeling nice and proud of yourself for doing the right thing. Good for you! High five!
And then you get a phone call. Looks like your results weren't the clean slate that you wanted to have, and somehow, somewhere, from someone...you picked something up.
Shit.
Now what?
First off - don't freak out. These things happen. Unfortunately, they still carry a stigma - that only "dirty" people can get an STD. That is seventeen shades of bullshit, so put it out of your mind. For one thing, it just isn't true. More importantly, no case of Chlamydia has ever been cured with a dose of self-flagellation. Beating yourself up about it ain't gonna do a damn thing. Antibiotics will. Step one - go get them. Start taking them straight away - and pay attention to instructions on not having sex until you are sure it is out of your system.
Once you are on the way to clearing it out of your system, time to do the hard part. Telling anyone else that you have slept with that they might need to get checked as well.
I would love to tell you that this part doesn't suck. If you are lucky, it won't. Best case scenario, you contact a couple people, they don't make a big deal out of it, everybody gets on with their lives.
Worst case scenario, this is the first time you have been tested, and you have to spend a day talking to everyone you have ever bumped uglies with, and at least one of them is going to get disproportionately angry about it and make you feel like crap.
Well, you are just going to have to man up and do it anyway. As tempting as it may be to just ignore the problem, or conveniently lose some contact info, you just can't. It's a total dick move.
There are some ways to make it easier on yourself, though.
- You don't actually have to call them. You just have to get that information to them somehow. Text, e-mail, DM, whatever. It's often a lot easier to tell someone if you don't have to actually hear their reaction. Obviously, you want to be discreet about it; skywriting and facebook walls are not acceptable.
- Don't make a big deal about it. People will take their cue from you. If you calmly and simply state that you tested positive for x, therefore they may have it too, and should go to the doctor, it will actually go down a lot easier than if you are flailing and apologizing all over the place.
- If someone reacts by being a total douchebag, don't feel the need to respond. Think of this kind of like exchanging insurance information after a fender bender. You do the bare minimum to be a considerate adult, and if they fly off the handle, you get out of there as fast as you can.
At the end of the day, there may well be some point in your life when you are either giving (or receiving) the get-checked call. Either way, try to stay calm, and try to be kind.
And pour yourself a drink.
And then you get a phone call. Looks like your results weren't the clean slate that you wanted to have, and somehow, somewhere, from someone...you picked something up.
Shit.
Now what?
First off - don't freak out. These things happen. Unfortunately, they still carry a stigma - that only "dirty" people can get an STD. That is seventeen shades of bullshit, so put it out of your mind. For one thing, it just isn't true. More importantly, no case of Chlamydia has ever been cured with a dose of self-flagellation. Beating yourself up about it ain't gonna do a damn thing. Antibiotics will. Step one - go get them. Start taking them straight away - and pay attention to instructions on not having sex until you are sure it is out of your system.
Once you are on the way to clearing it out of your system, time to do the hard part. Telling anyone else that you have slept with that they might need to get checked as well.
I would love to tell you that this part doesn't suck. If you are lucky, it won't. Best case scenario, you contact a couple people, they don't make a big deal out of it, everybody gets on with their lives.
Worst case scenario, this is the first time you have been tested, and you have to spend a day talking to everyone you have ever bumped uglies with, and at least one of them is going to get disproportionately angry about it and make you feel like crap.
Well, you are just going to have to man up and do it anyway. As tempting as it may be to just ignore the problem, or conveniently lose some contact info, you just can't. It's a total dick move.
There are some ways to make it easier on yourself, though.
- You don't actually have to call them. You just have to get that information to them somehow. Text, e-mail, DM, whatever. It's often a lot easier to tell someone if you don't have to actually hear their reaction. Obviously, you want to be discreet about it; skywriting and facebook walls are not acceptable.
- Don't make a big deal about it. People will take their cue from you. If you calmly and simply state that you tested positive for x, therefore they may have it too, and should go to the doctor, it will actually go down a lot easier than if you are flailing and apologizing all over the place.
- If someone reacts by being a total douchebag, don't feel the need to respond. Think of this kind of like exchanging insurance information after a fender bender. You do the bare minimum to be a considerate adult, and if they fly off the handle, you get out of there as fast as you can.
At the end of the day, there may well be some point in your life when you are either giving (or receiving) the get-checked call. Either way, try to stay calm, and try to be kind.
And pour yourself a drink.
Friday 12 July 2013
Bad Sex Positions: The Repeater
I love bacon.
I made myself two bacon sandwiches today.
I love bacon so much that I think it may be the one.
I may want to go shopping for a big white dress.
It's....it's BACON.
However. If I had to eat bacon every day, you can bet your ass that I would start to resent it. It would be boring. The awesome, fatty, salty, crispy goodness that is bacon (god, I want to make another sandwich just thinking about it) would become boring. Uninteresting. Dull. Even, god forbid....a little gross.
Once I worked in a cupcake bakery. It was amazing. The air smelled like sugar. I could eat all I wanted. It was sugary, fluffy, pink-frosted heaven. After the first month, I didn't gain a pound.
In the Cadbury factory in England, the workers can eat all the chocolate they want. Yet, taking the tour, you don't see employees stuffing themselves with goodies like Augustus Gloop.
What gives?
Very simply, variety is the spice of life.
It also puts the spice in sex life.
Which means that, let's be blunt, no matter how awesome it was that one time that you fucked that one girl and she came, like, seventeen million times.....if you just put your thing down, flip it and reverse it... every single night.....it'll suck.
Think you have already done "everything"? Excuse me whilst I crap myself laughing (which, btw, is a whole other fetish unto itself). There are greater things on bed and bunk, Horatio, than have been ever in your wet dreams.
That doesn't mean that you can't revisit the classics, but y'know how there is one song that is always played on the radio, that makes you want to punch yourself in the face? And that other one that is on so rarely that you pump the air and tell your passengers to shut up whenever you hear it? In bed, you want to be the second one.
The brain is the biggest sex organ. Now go use it to be creative, and don't become a repeater, or you'll find she keeps turning you down in disgust to talk to the hot guy in the passenger seat.
I made myself two bacon sandwiches today.
I love bacon so much that I think it may be the one.
I may want to go shopping for a big white dress.
It's....it's BACON.
However. If I had to eat bacon every day, you can bet your ass that I would start to resent it. It would be boring. The awesome, fatty, salty, crispy goodness that is bacon (god, I want to make another sandwich just thinking about it) would become boring. Uninteresting. Dull. Even, god forbid....a little gross.
Once I worked in a cupcake bakery. It was amazing. The air smelled like sugar. I could eat all I wanted. It was sugary, fluffy, pink-frosted heaven. After the first month, I didn't gain a pound.
In the Cadbury factory in England, the workers can eat all the chocolate they want. Yet, taking the tour, you don't see employees stuffing themselves with goodies like Augustus Gloop.
What gives?
Very simply, variety is the spice of life.
It also puts the spice in sex life.
Which means that, let's be blunt, no matter how awesome it was that one time that you fucked that one girl and she came, like, seventeen million times.....if you just put your thing down, flip it and reverse it... every single night.....it'll suck.
Think you have already done "everything"? Excuse me whilst I crap myself laughing (which, btw, is a whole other fetish unto itself). There are greater things on bed and bunk, Horatio, than have been ever in your wet dreams.
That doesn't mean that you can't revisit the classics, but y'know how there is one song that is always played on the radio, that makes you want to punch yourself in the face? And that other one that is on so rarely that you pump the air and tell your passengers to shut up whenever you hear it? In bed, you want to be the second one.
The brain is the biggest sex organ. Now go use it to be creative, and don't become a repeater, or you'll find she keeps turning you down in disgust to talk to the hot guy in the passenger seat.
Thursday 11 July 2013
Real Life Thursday: Netflix is Evil
After my breakup earlier this year, I decided that keeping on top of tv shows, downloads, torrents, and all that jazz was just going to get in the way of drinking, so I wouldn't have the time anymore. I was also feeling a little guilty. As someone who bitches people out for not paying for any of their porn (I have to. If no one paid, I wouldn't have a job. I'd have to get up in the morning and wear a suit and stuff.) I was feeling just a tad hypocritical for not paying for any of my tv or movies. It's not like I'm supplementing my torrented evil with a cable package - I don't even own a tv.
Seeing as buying a tv, paying for cable, and STILL having to download all the stuff I wanted to watch (because who actually has time to stick to a tv schedule?) seemed unnecessarily complicated, I did what most people do, and succumbed to the Netflix.
Of course, I still download the stuff I can't find on it, and I also installed an unblocker so that I can have ALL the Netflix, regardless of the country I live in...but hey. Baby steps. And since that red background appeared in my browser, I really haven't downloaded much. I have actually fallen behind on my tv viewing. Because I am catching up with every show and movie ever made.
At least, that's what it feels like.
Especially because Netflix helpfully suggests other stuff you might like, as soon as you watch something. "Ahhhh. I am done with all the seasons of Dr Who. *click click click* Merlin? Don't mind if I do..." Most of these fall under the heading of "stuff I intended to watch at some point anyway", but not all of them.
Don't even get me started on the movies. And the documentaries. I am watching stuff that I would never have otherwise known existed, and watching them avidly. Glued, drooling to my laptop.
How do normal people deal with this? Is it really just me that is apparently addicted to Netflix? Or is it that working from home, on that same laptop, just makes it far too easy to suddenly look up and notice that three weeks have passed, but you now understand every fandom internet reference, ever?
In any case, I now have a list of shows to watch that compares to my stack of books to read. I would say that I will get through it one day, but I feel like I may still be adding to it on my deathbed, and I don't want to lie to you lovlies.
Of course, if you have not yet given in, and joined the cult of Netflix....RUN. Save yourself. It's too late for me....
So I'm going to go watch Sherlock now.
Seeing as buying a tv, paying for cable, and STILL having to download all the stuff I wanted to watch (because who actually has time to stick to a tv schedule?) seemed unnecessarily complicated, I did what most people do, and succumbed to the Netflix.
Of course, I still download the stuff I can't find on it, and I also installed an unblocker so that I can have ALL the Netflix, regardless of the country I live in...but hey. Baby steps. And since that red background appeared in my browser, I really haven't downloaded much. I have actually fallen behind on my tv viewing. Because I am catching up with every show and movie ever made.
At least, that's what it feels like.
Especially because Netflix helpfully suggests other stuff you might like, as soon as you watch something. "Ahhhh. I am done with all the seasons of Dr Who. *click click click* Merlin? Don't mind if I do..." Most of these fall under the heading of "stuff I intended to watch at some point anyway", but not all of them.
Don't even get me started on the movies. And the documentaries. I am watching stuff that I would never have otherwise known existed, and watching them avidly. Glued, drooling to my laptop.
How do normal people deal with this? Is it really just me that is apparently addicted to Netflix? Or is it that working from home, on that same laptop, just makes it far too easy to suddenly look up and notice that three weeks have passed, but you now understand every fandom internet reference, ever?
In any case, I now have a list of shows to watch that compares to my stack of books to read. I would say that I will get through it one day, but I feel like I may still be adding to it on my deathbed, and I don't want to lie to you lovlies.
Of course, if you have not yet given in, and joined the cult of Netflix....RUN. Save yourself. It's too late for me....
So I'm going to go watch Sherlock now.
Tuesday 9 July 2013
The Responsible Slut: Passing The Test
Today I got up bright and early, and dragged my ass into the city to go to my favorite clinic, and get my 3 month STI check.
Lets face it, it's never a pleasant duty, but much like folding laundry, doing dishes, paying the phone bill and filing your taxes, getting tested is just part of being a grown-up. So why is it that so many people refuse to get tested at all, or wait until they think that there is something wrong before they slink into the clinic in a wig and sunglasses? Why are people so ashamed to go to the clinic, in a way they would never be to go to the optician, or the dentist?
Lets make one thing very, very clear. There is NOTHING shameful about taking care of your health. You go for regular checkups for your eyes, your teeth, your body...so why not your ladybits? (Or gentlemanbits, of course!!)
For one thing - these check-ups are not just for VD, believe it or not. Even if you are a freaking virgin, you should still be getting certain things checked on an annual or bi-annual basis. From the age of 21, you should be getting a pap-smear bi-annually, to check for cervical cancer. You will also be checked internally for lumps, bumps, weirdnesses, soreness - this can detect the beginning of issues with your reproductive system, and is pretty damn important. Far more minor, but also useful, even if you are not having sex, is getting your PH checked. You can also be screened for BV or a yeast infection, which can happen to anyone.
So what if you are actually having sex? You only need to go if you are having unprotected sex with strangers, right? FUCK NO. First off, condoms are not 100% effective. So while they are still a good idea, they don't negate your need for testing. And your assumption that your partner is faithful - well, I'm hoping they are, but you don't want to stake your fertility and health on an assumption. Besides, even if they are being faithful, if they have ever had sex before you...well, some things are symptomless, or can lie dormant for a very, very long time before an outbreak.
Obviously, there are factors that mean you may want to be tested more or less frequently. Only having sex with yourself? Bi-annually is plenty. Have a regular partner? Every 6months - 1year is fine. When I was into the whole monogamy thing, I would go every 6 months, or every new partner, whichever came around first. If you are like me, and tend to have a lot of sex with a lot of people, it's not exactly practical to go every time you manage to take home someone new to play with. In that case, borrow a practice from the world of porn, and go every 3 months.
Bottom line - its not exactly fun, but it's free, it's pretty painless, and it is smart. Suck it up. It'll take you maybe an hour or two out of every three months (tops), and you probably spend more time than that checking facebook in a week.
Time to put on your big girl panties. And then take them off again on a paper-covered table.
Lets face it, it's never a pleasant duty, but much like folding laundry, doing dishes, paying the phone bill and filing your taxes, getting tested is just part of being a grown-up. So why is it that so many people refuse to get tested at all, or wait until they think that there is something wrong before they slink into the clinic in a wig and sunglasses? Why are people so ashamed to go to the clinic, in a way they would never be to go to the optician, or the dentist?
Lets make one thing very, very clear. There is NOTHING shameful about taking care of your health. You go for regular checkups for your eyes, your teeth, your body...so why not your ladybits? (Or gentlemanbits, of course!!)
For one thing - these check-ups are not just for VD, believe it or not. Even if you are a freaking virgin, you should still be getting certain things checked on an annual or bi-annual basis. From the age of 21, you should be getting a pap-smear bi-annually, to check for cervical cancer. You will also be checked internally for lumps, bumps, weirdnesses, soreness - this can detect the beginning of issues with your reproductive system, and is pretty damn important. Far more minor, but also useful, even if you are not having sex, is getting your PH checked. You can also be screened for BV or a yeast infection, which can happen to anyone.
So what if you are actually having sex? You only need to go if you are having unprotected sex with strangers, right? FUCK NO. First off, condoms are not 100% effective. So while they are still a good idea, they don't negate your need for testing. And your assumption that your partner is faithful - well, I'm hoping they are, but you don't want to stake your fertility and health on an assumption. Besides, even if they are being faithful, if they have ever had sex before you...well, some things are symptomless, or can lie dormant for a very, very long time before an outbreak.
Obviously, there are factors that mean you may want to be tested more or less frequently. Only having sex with yourself? Bi-annually is plenty. Have a regular partner? Every 6months - 1year is fine. When I was into the whole monogamy thing, I would go every 6 months, or every new partner, whichever came around first. If you are like me, and tend to have a lot of sex with a lot of people, it's not exactly practical to go every time you manage to take home someone new to play with. In that case, borrow a practice from the world of porn, and go every 3 months.
Bottom line - its not exactly fun, but it's free, it's pretty painless, and it is smart. Suck it up. It'll take you maybe an hour or two out of every three months (tops), and you probably spend more time than that checking facebook in a week.
Time to put on your big girl panties. And then take them off again on a paper-covered table.
The Responsible Slut: A New Tuesday Theme
I am so vocal about my sex-positivity, my hatred of slut-shaming, and my happiness as a polyamorous, bi, sex worker, that sometimes people get the wrong idea. Often, people assume that just because I am happy to have lots of sex (and some pretty damn casual sex at that), that I think that everyone should be just as "slutty" as me.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I don't care if you want to bang your way through the entire US armed forces, or if you truly want to wait for that "one" and then wait until you are married to have regularly scheduled missionary bonks for the sole purpose of reproduction.
I care about two things.
1. That you extend me the same courtesy of not giving a fuck what I do with my genitals, or anyone elses.
2. That however you fuck, you do so both generously, and responsibly.
Which means that you try to fuck with the greatest possible respect for the other person (or people) in your life, as well as for yourself.
That you are kind to yourself, and patient with yourself, and others.
That you do your utmost to stay healthy and safe, and to keep others around you healthy and safe, too.
That you suck it up and do the hard things. And not just the fun kinds of sucking it and doing the hard things.
It means a lot more than that, too. So For a new Tuesday theme, I bring you "The Responsible Slut". Read, consider, comment...enjoy!
Nothing could be further from the truth. I don't care if you want to bang your way through the entire US armed forces, or if you truly want to wait for that "one" and then wait until you are married to have regularly scheduled missionary bonks for the sole purpose of reproduction.
I care about two things.
1. That you extend me the same courtesy of not giving a fuck what I do with my genitals, or anyone elses.
2. That however you fuck, you do so both generously, and responsibly.
Which means that you try to fuck with the greatest possible respect for the other person (or people) in your life, as well as for yourself.
That you are kind to yourself, and patient with yourself, and others.
That you do your utmost to stay healthy and safe, and to keep others around you healthy and safe, too.
That you suck it up and do the hard things. And not just the fun kinds of sucking it and doing the hard things.
It means a lot more than that, too. So For a new Tuesday theme, I bring you "The Responsible Slut". Read, consider, comment...enjoy!
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