The Starfish.
We all know it. Some of us have done it, some have had it done to us.
Even me. Sad to say, but once upon a time, I found myself in a situation where I really wanted to have sex with someone, but by the time we actually got around to it, I was, well.....bored. First, we were going to go for a drink. Then we realized that despite being legal in the UK (where I was living and where we met) I wasn't legal in the state I was visiting, so nuts to that. Then we were going to get a bottle and take it back to his, but realized that the liquor store was closed. We got back to his place, but then he was uncomfortable because he didn't know when his roommate was coming home, so I sat through an awkward ten-minute conversation while he called said roommate and told him to stay out for a while. After all that, sex was a foregone conclusion, but an hour of logistics had pretty much killed the moment, cut it up into pieces, stuck them in garbage bags and thrown them in the river. I didn't have the heart to just walk out, but I also couldn't muster the enthusiasm to put in any real effort.
Enter, the starfish. Get naked (or not, it's really just about the vital bits for this one), lie on your back, and think of England. Or your shopping list. Or whether or not you think you might be able to reach a nailfile, because that damn index finger got caught and has been bugging you all day. And then....wait. Just wait for it to be done, and hope that it's better next time.
For the record, there was no next time. Thank God.
But the Starfish has a terrible counterpart in the world of aquatic sex positions - the Hammerhead.
Guys - I know that you think that stamina is a vital part of good sex, but it really isn't. Trust me, there is very little worse than having someone frantically pound away like they are attempting to sand down your vagina while staring REALLY hard at the headboard for an hour. With the possible exception of hammering away like they are attempting to sand down your vagina while staring REALLY hard at the photo of an ex they taped to the headboard.
Both positions are, essentially, the same thing. Minimal interaction or response to the other person. Really, you get get the same effect by masturbating, and even then, only the laziest hitachi moments compare to the Starfish. Sex is one of the few arenas where you actually DO get points for participation - so put in some freaking effort!!
Ladies, for the love of all things dirty, either turn it down or get involved. Really, just walking out will probably be more satisfying than starfish sex - for both of you. Drinking and bitching about the one who walked out is just as valid as drinking and bitching about the one who checked out. And you'll look better for it - while I don't actually believe that people can be "bad in bed", just "bored in bed", you don't want to carry the starfish label. You don't.
Gentlemen, it's really ok if you don't last the entire night. In fact, it's actually kinda flattering if you just can't hold back. (Just make sure that you both get there in the end, ok? God gave you fingers and a tongue for a reason.) Just try and pay attention to the gal who is under you - maybe flip her on top of you, if that helps. There is plenty of time to think about fat chicks/your grandmother/baseball when you aren't getting any. And if you are a Hammerhead, there will be plenty of times when you aren't getting any.
Next time on Bad Sex Positions: The Porn Star
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