Tall, toned, and handsome, Mr Mustache had no problem meeting women, or getting them to go home with him. He could charm the pants off pretty much anyone he met, but for some reason, he never seemed to be able to get them off a second time. This was a source of much wonder for the women he worked with (as a strip club bouncer) - everyone thought he was sweet, funny and kind - what, exactly, was he doing to these women that sent them running?
There were lots of theories, about size, stamina, fetishes, preferences....could he be stripping down to lace panties and begging to be peed on? Might he be so fit thanks to steroids, and as a result, kept a magnifying glass by the bed to help his dates find it?
What none of us expected was that we were dealing with.....The Porn Star.
This is a close relation of The Hammerhead, but just a little bit worse. Hard to believe, I know.
You see, where women have almost unlimited access to sex "tips" courtesy of women's magazines and gossiping girlfriends, men are somewhat more limited. The closest that I have ever come to hearing two guys talk about sexual positions is an urban-dictionary assisted conversation about what, exactly, a "Tony Danza" is. So a vast majority of guys are stuck getting most of their initial information from porn.
And when someone watches porn as a "how to", you run into certain....issues.
1. The angles that actors contort themselves into in a scene are not, usually, to maximize pleasure. Leaning back with one hand on your hip while pounding someone from behind doesn't necessarily make it "better", it just makes it easier for the cameraman to get a penetration shot.
2. Most actresses come into a scene with a certain amount of pre-lubrication. This is especially true of camgirls, most of whom will pre-lube as a matter of course, and usually top up as the day goes on. This means, boys, that it is usually not the case that every woman will be wet and willing by the time you pull her skirt up. Sometimes, yes. Always? No.
3. Most actresses actually spend a lot of time stretching. In more ways than one! Don't expect that your average lady can tickle her ears with her toes in both directions, or is capable of expanding various orifices to the size of a cola bottle.
4. Just because all you SEE is a woman taking it in the ass with absolutely no warning, doesn't mean that she has actually HAD no warning. Before a scene, participants discuss, at length, the acts that will be in that scene. If something happens, you can bet that it has been written into a contract, and often paid extra for. In general, the order of events is also pre-arranged, and it is about as surprising as the end of a Hugh Grant movie.
5. The standard order of the suck-n-fuck is designed to maximize the shots that a target audience will enjoy seeing. It is not a connect-the-dots manual to good sex.
6. Male porn stars stay in business because of their ability to remain hard, and orgasm on command. This is an incredible talent if you are looking to be a porn star, but really isn't THAT valuable in the bedroom. Especially if you have to rely on the tricks that many actors do - namely, distancing yourself completely from what is going on, and largely ignoring the person you are fucking.
Even when you are in the business of pleasure, it is business, NOT pleasure, that is happening. Porn is an awesome way to get turned on, not to mention figuring out what, exactly, does the trick for you. But ladies and gents, porn is entertainment, not a training manual. I'll say it over and over again in these posts - good sex happens when you are both communicating, engaged, involved, enjoying.
Good sex is NOT following a pre-set routine, expecting your partner to become a human pretzel, making eye contact only with an invisible camera, or ramming a cock in anywhere you please without so much as a how-do-you-do.
Repeat after me: I am not a porn star. Movember gives me the right do terrible things to my facial hair, not my sexual partner.
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