I am always amazed when I hear a man talk about getting a "bad blow job". Just the thought of "bad head" blows my mind (giggidy). Seriously guys, you got a pretty girl to put your penis (and probably a little scrotum) in her mouth, just to make you feel good. There ain't a new mystery g-spot in the back of the female throat, so be grateful.
On top of that, in order to really suck at giving head (wow, the puns just write themselves today), you really have to be willfully ignorant. If you aren't at work (or your cubicle doesn't face the hallway), google "how to give a bj", and you will find hundreds of thousands of articles, blogs, sites, videos (!), jokes, memes, columns and forums all on how, exactly, to ensure that you suck cock like a gold medalist. That bible of sex tips, Cosmo, comes up with new possibilities every single month. Surely, there are only so many ways to stick a dick in your mouth? But apparently not - no, sex-ologists are undoubtedly beavering away (ha!) in a lab right now, coming up with ever new and better ways to get on your knees and make your man happy.
It isn't just technique - although, that has a lot to do with it. No, there are also tools that you can use (ice cubes, peppermint tea, flavored lubes and condoms, pop rocks, cock rings, vibrating bullets...), ways to position your entire body to get a better angle, exercises to strengthen your jaw and tongue for better longevity....as if finding the time and willpower to work out your ass, arms and abs wasn't enough, now the modern super woman should be pumping and stretching her mandibles too? Makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
And the thing that really amazes me is that in amongst this veritable sea of orgasm-inducing-oral information, there is nothing on how the recipient should behave. There is a LOT on how to persuade/manipulate a girl into doing it, but nothing on what to do once she is. This disparity makes it even more confusing - if you know how to make someone happy that they sucked your dick, they'll probably do it more often.
So here are the big ones - the commandments - the never-discussed and oft-ignored rules for what to do when you are getting head.
1. Stop trying to make it last longer than the entire Oscars ceremony. We get it, it feels good or the receiving end. But on the giving end, it's not all that comfortable. If you don't believe me, kneel naked on the floor and slam a cucumber into the back of your throat for 20 mins or so. You start to bruise (or possibly gag, depending on the combination of throat/dick sizing), your knees start to hurt, your jaw starts to ache with the sucking. Enjoy a little oral, and then bring her back up for some two-way fun. If she knows that the instant she drops below nipple-level she'll be there for the rest of the night, it'll be far less likely to happen.
2. On a related note - stop concentrating so hard on not cumming that you become little better than a grunting corpse. Again, yes, it feels good. But the thing is, we actually like to get some feedback to that effect. Remember the starfish that I talked about a while ago? I am eternally amazed by how many men bitch about it, then as soon as they get a set of lips on their manhood, lie back and think of baseball. Guess what? We don't like giving our all to a silent house any more than you do! Moan a little, move a little. Gasp and tell us how good it feels. She is the one with a mouth too full to speak, not you - and a little encouragement goes a long way!!
3. Speaking of encouragement - using her hair like a handle isn't usually the best idea, but it also isn't the worst one. Volumes of Cosmo aside, most women are actually a little nervous about how "good" they are, and a little guidance isn't the worst thing in the world. Just try not to dislodge the brain while you are doing it.
4. Unless you are REALLY sure that she is into it, stop when you feel gagging. Yes, I know that it makes you feel like Sir Big Dick, but that feeling will rapidly fade when you find yourself in the clinic because someone vomited directly into your urethra.
5. Say thank you. Especially if the lady just sucked your dick like the world's best popsicle and swallowed with a smile. Seriously - didn't your mother teach you any manners?
This post is fantastic. THANK YOU for getting the word out!
ReplyDeleteAlso, if the lady with your dick in her mouth is doing something that you do not like, say so (politely)! Example: "It doesn't feel as good when you do *A* as it does when you do *B*! *B* is so fucking awesome!"
Maybe then, the blowjobs would be getting a bit better each time!