You see, I am so used to referencing the good Captain that I forget, occasionally, that the vast majority of people have never met him. (And for the record, I cannot claim credit for the name - he was christened on a popular forum of sex workers - much as I wish the moniker was entirely my own creation)
Captain Save-a-Ho is a fascinating hero. He may not have a bat-cave, but he often does his work underground, and in secret - only occasionally being interrupted by his faithful apron-clad manservant bringing him cookies and Hawaiian punch. A stained t-shirt for his cape, and a lecherous, cheetos-smeared visage for his cowl, he stalks the dark alleys of the internet, searching for damsels in distress.
Or, damsels in various states of undress.
He leaps into action upon discovering a camsite.
He strikes! Fast as his fingers can type, he is fighting the villains of Low Self Esteem and Unworthiness! (That dastardly pair!)
He will beat them back with his most powerful weapon....wheedling.
"You are too cute to be doing this, bb!"
"You are so much better than this!"
"You could be doing anything, I believe in you! You don't have to do this!"
"Its ok, you can come live with me - I'll take care of you, and you'll never have to do this again!"
Come live with you? You mean, leave everything behind to come share some dingy basement suite with a total stranger off the internet and rely on his good charity to support me?
Gee, that DOES sound better than paying for my own townhouse, where I live with my cat, dog, and partner. Servicing you as a "way out" seems MUCH more reasonable than utilizing my qualifications as an interior designer, my experience as a body piercer, or finishing that law degree I started way back before I decided that I would rather NOT work 80 hours a week.
Sucking your pasty white dick while you search for other women to "save from degradation" is, indeed, preferable to simply strapping on the green apron and slinging lattes for $9 an hour and still supporting myself.
I know that I could do something else. Funnily enough, I do this because I enjoy it.
My favorite phrase of the veritable army of Captain Save-a-Hos that I come across (giggidy) in my daily life is that I am "too beautiful to do this". Really? Because, of course, people that make a living turning others on should all be hunchbacked lepers. Obviously. Being physically attractive is of SUCH practical use in other occupations.
A close second is that this must be "so degrading"...always followed rapidly by the offer of somewhere to stay while I "figure things out". I'm guessing that if I took anyone up on that offer, the first thing I would be figuring out is how to get out of these damn zip ties, and what in the room could be used as a weapon. But even assuming the offer is "genuine", I am at a loss to understand how fucking a stranger for money is LESS degrading than fucking myself for the money and independence.
It is still frustrating. It is annoying to deal with them online, and it is even more frustrating to deal with the Caped Ho-Saver in real life. It drives me to distraction trying to explain (for the thousandth time) that I chose my profession. And that I made that choice the same way that most people do - somewhere between drifting, training, and figuring out what makes you happy. That I do not intend to "get out", that I am not "ashamed'.
Of course, compared to some of the other characters that I meet through my screen, Captain Save-a-Ho is actually kinda cute. Harmless, helpless - a small child dressing up in the contents of the kitchen cupboards and playing at being a knight. The intentions are good, after all.
Much, much worse, are those Captains who keep their secret identity, well, a secret. Online, at least, the capes are a-swirling - you can spot a Saver right off the bat, and offer up a small prayer of gratitude for the ban button. Out in the real world, they are less obvious - the bastards can sneak up on you. Just a little pressure. Just a little comment about when you will get "a real job". Just a little secret, just a little sneer. Just a little moment, where you can see them wince when you casually mention your work. Just a suggestion of doing something else, of not telling someone else, of keeping it a dirty little secret.
At least Captain Save-a-Ho is upfront with his misbegotten misogyny. Either way, I'm hardly in the market to be saved, but I'd rather fight off Captain Save-a-Ho than the Incredible Jerk.
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