In "How I Met Your Mother", there is a fantastic episode where Barney posits a new "rule"....New Is Always Better.
What follows is a hilarious attempt by Barney to prove this to Ted, going through Guns'n'Rose, Star Wars, and Scotch. If you haven't seen it, because you have been living under a rock, or recently had your sense of humor surgically amputated, here it is:
http://vimeo.com/16597496
When I saw that, it reminded me of a rule that some customers have apparently come up with "More is Always Better". That the worth of a camgirl is defined by the sheer number of things that she will do, or the extremity of those things.
It seems to absolutely baffle these guys when they see a camgirl doing well, getting tipped, and doing...."nothing". Or more accurately, sitting in her undies interacting and entertaining her room. This is utterly insane! How is it that she is doing better than so-and-so ten pages back? She just fired a basketball out of her ass, and got a BASKET!
What do you mean, you don't do anal/deepthroat/fisting/peeing/vomit/scat/standing on your head and sticking a hairdryer up your ass? How on EARTH do you make money?
Here's the thing - More ISN'T always better. The girl who is blowing your mind, being tipped for "just chatting"? I'll bet that she has spent months building up a clientele that love her. Making personal connections, remembering specific customers, letting them into her life (by talking about the real her, not just giggling and wiggling), making sure that she is on and available every single day...she's probably got a helluva personality, and guys are tipping her because she is entertaining them, and making them happy.
When guys ask me "what I do that makes it better than just watching porn", the answer is very simple. I interact. Depending on what you want, I might get to know you, or I might just be able to follow your instructions to the letter. I'll moan out your name, and I will actually be saying it to you. In real time.
It's not about how many things a girl can do, or how extreme she can get. It it about how good she is at what she does. No point in watching someone who can "do more" but does it badly. Or someone who is willing to roleplay the most taboo topics, if she can't actually play a role worth a damn.
To put it another way: Quality over Quantity.
Tuesday 27 November 2012
Pet Peeve: I could buy an escort for that price!
There is a lot that I put up with on a daily basis, and for the most part, I do it with good humor and an internal eye-roll at the incredible stupidity of customers.
But there are a few comments that really get my eye twitching....and this one has got to be at the top of the list!
"$x an hour!! I could get an escort for that price!"
Well, yes. And?
The thing is, I am not an escort. Nor am I a stripper (any more), nor am I a body rub girl. Nothing against these other professions in my industry, you understand. I don't dislike escorts, or consider myself "better", it's just that I'm not one. In the same way that I don't dislike blondes, or tall women. I'm simply not blonde. Or tall.
Comparing a camgirl to an escort in terms of price is just nonsensical. There is no implicit hierarchy of the sex industry that states that one job is always more or less expensive than another. Admittedly, there is a difference in terms of what is usually spent in one session - a stripper is usually for a song, an escort for an hour, a cam girl anywhere from 5mins up. But if you look at the simple price-per-hour of each area of the industry, there is no clear winner in terms of "most expensive sex worker". You can find camgirls charging $0.99 a minute - $60 an hour. You can find a hooker for $60 an hour. Go to a full nude strip club, and you can see a stripper naked (or usually, several) for the cost of cover and a couple drinks - probably far LESS than $60 an hour. Or you can go to the other end of the spectrum entirely, and find escorts and strippers in the champagne room who expect at least four figures and - you can find camgirls and PSOs charging $50 a MINUTE.
So saying "I could get an escort for that" really makes no sense in terms of dollar value. You could also find escorts that would spit at your feet for offering them such a petty amount. It's all relative.
I understand, however, that most of the time, this statement is not meant to suggest that camgirls should always be cheaper than escorts, but (more annoyingly) that an escort is always the *best* option. That the only reason that someone would pay to see a camgirl perform is that they cannot afford to see a comparable escort or dancer.
Excuse me?
This is the part that really, REALLY makes me angry. In the same way that I don't think that I am *better* than an escort simply by virtue of my job, I certainly don't think that any escort is *better* than me. Physical penetration does not a better experience make.
There are so many reasons that customers choose to come to us instead of escorts. Maybe they feel that an escort would count as cheating on their partner (most partners would probably agree!) but that camgirls do not cross that line, because we are "internet porn". Maybe they are concerned about health, safety and legality. Maybe they would like to talk about a fetish, watch it, ease themselves into it or experiment with it, before actually doing it in person. Maybe they are in a situation where practicality dictates that an escort isn't possible - limited time, perhaps (after all, there is no waiting for a camgirl to get to you - we are insta-sex!), or they are in a physical location where they cannot bring in an escort (such as, oh, I don't know, downstairs while the wife is asleep? At work? On their iPad on the bus? Trust me, guys watch camgirls in all those places....and you can't just click away an escort if you hear someone coming!). For a lot of guys, cam sites are a great place to play a role - to change gender, age....or become a 6ft tall model/banker with a foot long dick. You can't just swan into an escort's place and announce that you are 150lbs lighter than you actually are! Yet if you don't turn on a webcam on your side of the computer, a camgirl will never know! Camgirls also won't know if you are a politician, a celebrity, or a tv evangelist.
I know that even if I chose to escort as well as cam, I would have two sets of customers - those that want to see a camgirl, and those that want to see an escort. There may be some crossover, yes. There may be some guys that would prefer to fuck me in real life - but there would be many, many more that would much prefer to stay safely at home, no matter what they "could buy" for the same price.
Essentially, camgirls and escorts are DIFFERENT. Yes, we are both in the same industry, but we are not the same thing. We do not provide the same service, so a comparison is pointless.
It would be like going into a spa, and saying "Good God! $100 to get a set of acrylic nails put on? I could get a massage for that!".
Or going to the box office.."The ballet is HOW MUCH? I could go to ten stand up comedy nights for the same price!"
Go on, try those ones. See how far it gets you.
But there are a few comments that really get my eye twitching....and this one has got to be at the top of the list!
"$x an hour!! I could get an escort for that price!"
Well, yes. And?
The thing is, I am not an escort. Nor am I a stripper (any more), nor am I a body rub girl. Nothing against these other professions in my industry, you understand. I don't dislike escorts, or consider myself "better", it's just that I'm not one. In the same way that I don't dislike blondes, or tall women. I'm simply not blonde. Or tall.
Comparing a camgirl to an escort in terms of price is just nonsensical. There is no implicit hierarchy of the sex industry that states that one job is always more or less expensive than another. Admittedly, there is a difference in terms of what is usually spent in one session - a stripper is usually for a song, an escort for an hour, a cam girl anywhere from 5mins up. But if you look at the simple price-per-hour of each area of the industry, there is no clear winner in terms of "most expensive sex worker". You can find camgirls charging $0.99 a minute - $60 an hour. You can find a hooker for $60 an hour. Go to a full nude strip club, and you can see a stripper naked (or usually, several) for the cost of cover and a couple drinks - probably far LESS than $60 an hour. Or you can go to the other end of the spectrum entirely, and find escorts and strippers in the champagne room who expect at least four figures and - you can find camgirls and PSOs charging $50 a MINUTE.
So saying "I could get an escort for that" really makes no sense in terms of dollar value. You could also find escorts that would spit at your feet for offering them such a petty amount. It's all relative.
I understand, however, that most of the time, this statement is not meant to suggest that camgirls should always be cheaper than escorts, but (more annoyingly) that an escort is always the *best* option. That the only reason that someone would pay to see a camgirl perform is that they cannot afford to see a comparable escort or dancer.
Excuse me?
This is the part that really, REALLY makes me angry. In the same way that I don't think that I am *better* than an escort simply by virtue of my job, I certainly don't think that any escort is *better* than me. Physical penetration does not a better experience make.
There are so many reasons that customers choose to come to us instead of escorts. Maybe they feel that an escort would count as cheating on their partner (most partners would probably agree!) but that camgirls do not cross that line, because we are "internet porn". Maybe they are concerned about health, safety and legality. Maybe they would like to talk about a fetish, watch it, ease themselves into it or experiment with it, before actually doing it in person. Maybe they are in a situation where practicality dictates that an escort isn't possible - limited time, perhaps (after all, there is no waiting for a camgirl to get to you - we are insta-sex!), or they are in a physical location where they cannot bring in an escort (such as, oh, I don't know, downstairs while the wife is asleep? At work? On their iPad on the bus? Trust me, guys watch camgirls in all those places....and you can't just click away an escort if you hear someone coming!). For a lot of guys, cam sites are a great place to play a role - to change gender, age....or become a 6ft tall model/banker with a foot long dick. You can't just swan into an escort's place and announce that you are 150lbs lighter than you actually are! Yet if you don't turn on a webcam on your side of the computer, a camgirl will never know! Camgirls also won't know if you are a politician, a celebrity, or a tv evangelist.
I know that even if I chose to escort as well as cam, I would have two sets of customers - those that want to see a camgirl, and those that want to see an escort. There may be some crossover, yes. There may be some guys that would prefer to fuck me in real life - but there would be many, many more that would much prefer to stay safely at home, no matter what they "could buy" for the same price.
Essentially, camgirls and escorts are DIFFERENT. Yes, we are both in the same industry, but we are not the same thing. We do not provide the same service, so a comparison is pointless.
It would be like going into a spa, and saying "Good God! $100 to get a set of acrylic nails put on? I could get a massage for that!".
Or going to the box office.."The ballet is HOW MUCH? I could go to ten stand up comedy nights for the same price!"
Go on, try those ones. See how far it gets you.
Wednesday 14 November 2012
Bad Sex Positions - The Porn Star
I once knew a man from Natnucket. Well, actually, from Melbourne, but he may as well have been, because his terrible bedroom habits made him his own punchline. Let's call him Mr Mustache - you'll see why in a minute.
Tall, toned, and handsome, Mr Mustache had no problem meeting women, or getting them to go home with him. He could charm the pants off pretty much anyone he met, but for some reason, he never seemed to be able to get them off a second time. This was a source of much wonder for the women he worked with (as a strip club bouncer) - everyone thought he was sweet, funny and kind - what, exactly, was he doing to these women that sent them running?
There were lots of theories, about size, stamina, fetishes, preferences....could he be stripping down to lace panties and begging to be peed on? Might he be so fit thanks to steroids, and as a result, kept a magnifying glass by the bed to help his dates find it?
What none of us expected was that we were dealing with.....The Porn Star.
This is a close relation of The Hammerhead, but just a little bit worse. Hard to believe, I know.
You see, where women have almost unlimited access to sex "tips" courtesy of women's magazines and gossiping girlfriends, men are somewhat more limited. The closest that I have ever come to hearing two guys talk about sexual positions is an urban-dictionary assisted conversation about what, exactly, a "Tony Danza" is. So a vast majority of guys are stuck getting most of their initial information from porn.
And when someone watches porn as a "how to", you run into certain....issues.
1. The angles that actors contort themselves into in a scene are not, usually, to maximize pleasure. Leaning back with one hand on your hip while pounding someone from behind doesn't necessarily make it "better", it just makes it easier for the cameraman to get a penetration shot.
2. Most actresses come into a scene with a certain amount of pre-lubrication. This is especially true of camgirls, most of whom will pre-lube as a matter of course, and usually top up as the day goes on. This means, boys, that it is usually not the case that every woman will be wet and willing by the time you pull her skirt up. Sometimes, yes. Always? No.
3. Most actresses actually spend a lot of time stretching. In more ways than one! Don't expect that your average lady can tickle her ears with her toes in both directions, or is capable of expanding various orifices to the size of a cola bottle.
4. Just because all you SEE is a woman taking it in the ass with absolutely no warning, doesn't mean that she has actually HAD no warning. Before a scene, participants discuss, at length, the acts that will be in that scene. If something happens, you can bet that it has been written into a contract, and often paid extra for. In general, the order of events is also pre-arranged, and it is about as surprising as the end of a Hugh Grant movie.
5. The standard order of the suck-n-fuck is designed to maximize the shots that a target audience will enjoy seeing. It is not a connect-the-dots manual to good sex.
6. Male porn stars stay in business because of their ability to remain hard, and orgasm on command. This is an incredible talent if you are looking to be a porn star, but really isn't THAT valuable in the bedroom. Especially if you have to rely on the tricks that many actors do - namely, distancing yourself completely from what is going on, and largely ignoring the person you are fucking.
Even when you are in the business of pleasure, it is business, NOT pleasure, that is happening. Porn is an awesome way to get turned on, not to mention figuring out what, exactly, does the trick for you. But ladies and gents, porn is entertainment, not a training manual. I'll say it over and over again in these posts - good sex happens when you are both communicating, engaged, involved, enjoying.
Good sex is NOT following a pre-set routine, expecting your partner to become a human pretzel, making eye contact only with an invisible camera, or ramming a cock in anywhere you please without so much as a how-do-you-do.
Repeat after me: I am not a porn star. Movember gives me the right do terrible things to my facial hair, not my sexual partner.
Tall, toned, and handsome, Mr Mustache had no problem meeting women, or getting them to go home with him. He could charm the pants off pretty much anyone he met, but for some reason, he never seemed to be able to get them off a second time. This was a source of much wonder for the women he worked with (as a strip club bouncer) - everyone thought he was sweet, funny and kind - what, exactly, was he doing to these women that sent them running?
There were lots of theories, about size, stamina, fetishes, preferences....could he be stripping down to lace panties and begging to be peed on? Might he be so fit thanks to steroids, and as a result, kept a magnifying glass by the bed to help his dates find it?
What none of us expected was that we were dealing with.....The Porn Star.
This is a close relation of The Hammerhead, but just a little bit worse. Hard to believe, I know.
You see, where women have almost unlimited access to sex "tips" courtesy of women's magazines and gossiping girlfriends, men are somewhat more limited. The closest that I have ever come to hearing two guys talk about sexual positions is an urban-dictionary assisted conversation about what, exactly, a "Tony Danza" is. So a vast majority of guys are stuck getting most of their initial information from porn.
And when someone watches porn as a "how to", you run into certain....issues.
1. The angles that actors contort themselves into in a scene are not, usually, to maximize pleasure. Leaning back with one hand on your hip while pounding someone from behind doesn't necessarily make it "better", it just makes it easier for the cameraman to get a penetration shot.
2. Most actresses come into a scene with a certain amount of pre-lubrication. This is especially true of camgirls, most of whom will pre-lube as a matter of course, and usually top up as the day goes on. This means, boys, that it is usually not the case that every woman will be wet and willing by the time you pull her skirt up. Sometimes, yes. Always? No.
3. Most actresses actually spend a lot of time stretching. In more ways than one! Don't expect that your average lady can tickle her ears with her toes in both directions, or is capable of expanding various orifices to the size of a cola bottle.
4. Just because all you SEE is a woman taking it in the ass with absolutely no warning, doesn't mean that she has actually HAD no warning. Before a scene, participants discuss, at length, the acts that will be in that scene. If something happens, you can bet that it has been written into a contract, and often paid extra for. In general, the order of events is also pre-arranged, and it is about as surprising as the end of a Hugh Grant movie.
5. The standard order of the suck-n-fuck is designed to maximize the shots that a target audience will enjoy seeing. It is not a connect-the-dots manual to good sex.
6. Male porn stars stay in business because of their ability to remain hard, and orgasm on command. This is an incredible talent if you are looking to be a porn star, but really isn't THAT valuable in the bedroom. Especially if you have to rely on the tricks that many actors do - namely, distancing yourself completely from what is going on, and largely ignoring the person you are fucking.
Even when you are in the business of pleasure, it is business, NOT pleasure, that is happening. Porn is an awesome way to get turned on, not to mention figuring out what, exactly, does the trick for you. But ladies and gents, porn is entertainment, not a training manual. I'll say it over and over again in these posts - good sex happens when you are both communicating, engaged, involved, enjoying.
Good sex is NOT following a pre-set routine, expecting your partner to become a human pretzel, making eye contact only with an invisible camera, or ramming a cock in anywhere you please without so much as a how-do-you-do.
Repeat after me: I am not a porn star. Movember gives me the right do terrible things to my facial hair, not my sexual partner.
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Captain Save-a-Ho!
I realized, after my last post, that I referenced Captain Save-a-Ho without ever actually explaining who, exactly, that is. My bad.
You see, I am so used to referencing the good Captain that I forget, occasionally, that the vast majority of people have never met him. (And for the record, I cannot claim credit for the name - he was christened on a popular forum of sex workers - much as I wish the moniker was entirely my own creation)
Captain Save-a-Ho is a fascinating hero. He may not have a bat-cave, but he often does his work underground, and in secret - only occasionally being interrupted by his faithful apron-clad manservant bringing him cookies and Hawaiian punch. A stained t-shirt for his cape, and a lecherous, cheetos-smeared visage for his cowl, he stalks the dark alleys of the internet, searching for damsels in distress.
Or, damsels in various states of undress.
He leaps into action upon discovering a camsite.
He strikes! Fast as his fingers can type, he is fighting the villains of Low Self Esteem and Unworthiness! (That dastardly pair!)
He will beat them back with his most powerful weapon....wheedling.
"You are too cute to be doing this, bb!"
"You are so much better than this!"
"You could be doing anything, I believe in you! You don't have to do this!"
"Its ok, you can come live with me - I'll take care of you, and you'll never have to do this again!"
Come live with you? You mean, leave everything behind to come share some dingy basement suite with a total stranger off the internet and rely on his good charity to support me?
Gee, that DOES sound better than paying for my own townhouse, where I live with my cat, dog, and partner. Servicing you as a "way out" seems MUCH more reasonable than utilizing my qualifications as an interior designer, my experience as a body piercer, or finishing that law degree I started way back before I decided that I would rather NOT work 80 hours a week.
Sucking your pasty white dick while you search for other women to "save from degradation" is, indeed, preferable to simply strapping on the green apron and slinging lattes for $9 an hour and still supporting myself.
I know that I could do something else. Funnily enough, I do this because I enjoy it.
My favorite phrase of the veritable army of Captain Save-a-Hos that I come across (giggidy) in my daily life is that I am "too beautiful to do this". Really? Because, of course, people that make a living turning others on should all be hunchbacked lepers. Obviously. Being physically attractive is of SUCH practical use in other occupations.
A close second is that this must be "so degrading"...always followed rapidly by the offer of somewhere to stay while I "figure things out". I'm guessing that if I took anyone up on that offer, the first thing I would be figuring out is how to get out of these damn zip ties, and what in the room could be used as a weapon. But even assuming the offer is "genuine", I am at a loss to understand how fucking a stranger for money is LESS degrading than fucking myself for the money and independence.
It is still frustrating. It is annoying to deal with them online, and it is even more frustrating to deal with the Caped Ho-Saver in real life. It drives me to distraction trying to explain (for the thousandth time) that I chose my profession. And that I made that choice the same way that most people do - somewhere between drifting, training, and figuring out what makes you happy. That I do not intend to "get out", that I am not "ashamed'.
Of course, compared to some of the other characters that I meet through my screen, Captain Save-a-Ho is actually kinda cute. Harmless, helpless - a small child dressing up in the contents of the kitchen cupboards and playing at being a knight. The intentions are good, after all.
Much, much worse, are those Captains who keep their secret identity, well, a secret. Online, at least, the capes are a-swirling - you can spot a Saver right off the bat, and offer up a small prayer of gratitude for the ban button. Out in the real world, they are less obvious - the bastards can sneak up on you. Just a little pressure. Just a little comment about when you will get "a real job". Just a little secret, just a little sneer. Just a little moment, where you can see them wince when you casually mention your work. Just a suggestion of doing something else, of not telling someone else, of keeping it a dirty little secret.
At least Captain Save-a-Ho is upfront with his misbegotten misogyny. Either way, I'm hardly in the market to be saved, but I'd rather fight off Captain Save-a-Ho than the Incredible Jerk.
You see, I am so used to referencing the good Captain that I forget, occasionally, that the vast majority of people have never met him. (And for the record, I cannot claim credit for the name - he was christened on a popular forum of sex workers - much as I wish the moniker was entirely my own creation)
Captain Save-a-Ho is a fascinating hero. He may not have a bat-cave, but he often does his work underground, and in secret - only occasionally being interrupted by his faithful apron-clad manservant bringing him cookies and Hawaiian punch. A stained t-shirt for his cape, and a lecherous, cheetos-smeared visage for his cowl, he stalks the dark alleys of the internet, searching for damsels in distress.
Or, damsels in various states of undress.
He leaps into action upon discovering a camsite.
He strikes! Fast as his fingers can type, he is fighting the villains of Low Self Esteem and Unworthiness! (That dastardly pair!)
He will beat them back with his most powerful weapon....wheedling.
"You are too cute to be doing this, bb!"
"You are so much better than this!"
"You could be doing anything, I believe in you! You don't have to do this!"
"Its ok, you can come live with me - I'll take care of you, and you'll never have to do this again!"
Come live with you? You mean, leave everything behind to come share some dingy basement suite with a total stranger off the internet and rely on his good charity to support me?
Gee, that DOES sound better than paying for my own townhouse, where I live with my cat, dog, and partner. Servicing you as a "way out" seems MUCH more reasonable than utilizing my qualifications as an interior designer, my experience as a body piercer, or finishing that law degree I started way back before I decided that I would rather NOT work 80 hours a week.
Sucking your pasty white dick while you search for other women to "save from degradation" is, indeed, preferable to simply strapping on the green apron and slinging lattes for $9 an hour and still supporting myself.
I know that I could do something else. Funnily enough, I do this because I enjoy it.
My favorite phrase of the veritable army of Captain Save-a-Hos that I come across (giggidy) in my daily life is that I am "too beautiful to do this". Really? Because, of course, people that make a living turning others on should all be hunchbacked lepers. Obviously. Being physically attractive is of SUCH practical use in other occupations.
A close second is that this must be "so degrading"...always followed rapidly by the offer of somewhere to stay while I "figure things out". I'm guessing that if I took anyone up on that offer, the first thing I would be figuring out is how to get out of these damn zip ties, and what in the room could be used as a weapon. But even assuming the offer is "genuine", I am at a loss to understand how fucking a stranger for money is LESS degrading than fucking myself for the money and independence.
It is still frustrating. It is annoying to deal with them online, and it is even more frustrating to deal with the Caped Ho-Saver in real life. It drives me to distraction trying to explain (for the thousandth time) that I chose my profession. And that I made that choice the same way that most people do - somewhere between drifting, training, and figuring out what makes you happy. That I do not intend to "get out", that I am not "ashamed'.
Of course, compared to some of the other characters that I meet through my screen, Captain Save-a-Ho is actually kinda cute. Harmless, helpless - a small child dressing up in the contents of the kitchen cupboards and playing at being a knight. The intentions are good, after all.
Much, much worse, are those Captains who keep their secret identity, well, a secret. Online, at least, the capes are a-swirling - you can spot a Saver right off the bat, and offer up a small prayer of gratitude for the ban button. Out in the real world, they are less obvious - the bastards can sneak up on you. Just a little pressure. Just a little comment about when you will get "a real job". Just a little secret, just a little sneer. Just a little moment, where you can see them wince when you casually mention your work. Just a suggestion of doing something else, of not telling someone else, of keeping it a dirty little secret.
At least Captain Save-a-Ho is upfront with his misbegotten misogyny. Either way, I'm hardly in the market to be saved, but I'd rather fight off Captain Save-a-Ho than the Incredible Jerk.
Saturday 10 November 2012
Cumming as a Compliment
Isn't it great when men work really, really hard to be less selfish in bed?
Well actually, NO.
There are times when good intentions really do pave the way to hell - and the seventh circle is being stuck under Captain Never Cum.
Oh, Captain Never Cum. Close friend of Captain Save-a-Ho, this is one of those men who think that they truly, deeply, understand what a woman needs, and provide that at all times, even when it really fucking annoys the woman that they are with.
Once upon a time, Captain Never Cum heard that women don't like a man who has no stamina. Maybe he heard a joke about his arch-nemesis, Dr Quick Draw, and decided that he would never, ever, subject a woman to an unfulfilling quickie. Like all wannabe superheros, he spends vast amounts of time training, coming up with gadgets, tricks, and techniques to hold his orgasm at bay. The ultimate student will learn to prolong his finale INDEFINITELY - remaining hard for days at a time to provide unlimited orgasms to the lucky lady that falls into his arms.
Of course, the problem with this is that few women actually want a man that will keep pounding away ad infinitum until she has to beg him to stop. Here is a little hint: Being told "God, Stop! I just cant TAKE any more!" actually means "for the love of God, I surrender, let me sleep".
Men, unless you happen to be fucking an egocentric bitch, believe me when I say that she would really like to make you cum. Of course, if you ARE fucking an egocentric bitch for the sheer hell of it - why do you care about making her happy? Masturbate into that breathing sex doll and GTFO.
That unpleasantness aside...in the same way that I sincerely hope that you enjoy seeing a lady in the throes of passion, she really wants to feel like she is so incredible that you just can't help it. We are trained to believe that guys are simmering volcanoes of sexual energy, and restraining yourself for more than a song is a superhuman act; when you don't behave that way, it kinda makes us feel inadequate.
Imagine for a moment that you are with a woman, pulling out all the stops, showing off your forays into internet research, gyrating, stroking, nibbling, swinging from the chandeliers.....but try as you might, she just isn't getting there. Would you feel fulfilled? Would you feel as though you were blindingly sexy, incredibly talented, the lover to take her to new heights of pleasure? Or would you feel more like a tourist in Times Square, desperately trying to make sense of a crumpled map. You KNOW you can get there - dammit, you know that everyone ELSE has made sense of this...what are you doing WRONG?
Well, women aren't that different from men in that sense, except that we have been conditioned to believe that the female orgasm is an elusive little pixie - constantly dashing, giggling, out of the way - while the male orgasm is barely restrained while buying groceries. Which makes it that much worse to try your hardest, and still fail.
I, for one, would much rather feel the warm glow of satisfaction over being so incredible that you just can't hold back, then the warm glow of working up a sweat trying to coax a single bead of pre-jack from Captain Never Cum. Put your capes away for a while - how about just enjoying getting fucked, for once? That medal that you get for longest session ever - it comes with a matching medal for your partner. And no woman wants to win the gold for taking longest to get him off. Congratulations! Worst fuck ever! He only got there after eight hours and thinking about someone else!
Only a masochist would try to win THAT prize a second time...
Well actually, NO.
There are times when good intentions really do pave the way to hell - and the seventh circle is being stuck under Captain Never Cum.
Oh, Captain Never Cum. Close friend of Captain Save-a-Ho, this is one of those men who think that they truly, deeply, understand what a woman needs, and provide that at all times, even when it really fucking annoys the woman that they are with.
Once upon a time, Captain Never Cum heard that women don't like a man who has no stamina. Maybe he heard a joke about his arch-nemesis, Dr Quick Draw, and decided that he would never, ever, subject a woman to an unfulfilling quickie. Like all wannabe superheros, he spends vast amounts of time training, coming up with gadgets, tricks, and techniques to hold his orgasm at bay. The ultimate student will learn to prolong his finale INDEFINITELY - remaining hard for days at a time to provide unlimited orgasms to the lucky lady that falls into his arms.
Of course, the problem with this is that few women actually want a man that will keep pounding away ad infinitum until she has to beg him to stop. Here is a little hint: Being told "God, Stop! I just cant TAKE any more!" actually means "for the love of God, I surrender, let me sleep".
Men, unless you happen to be fucking an egocentric bitch, believe me when I say that she would really like to make you cum. Of course, if you ARE fucking an egocentric bitch for the sheer hell of it - why do you care about making her happy? Masturbate into that breathing sex doll and GTFO.
That unpleasantness aside...in the same way that I sincerely hope that you enjoy seeing a lady in the throes of passion, she really wants to feel like she is so incredible that you just can't help it. We are trained to believe that guys are simmering volcanoes of sexual energy, and restraining yourself for more than a song is a superhuman act; when you don't behave that way, it kinda makes us feel inadequate.
Imagine for a moment that you are with a woman, pulling out all the stops, showing off your forays into internet research, gyrating, stroking, nibbling, swinging from the chandeliers.....but try as you might, she just isn't getting there. Would you feel fulfilled? Would you feel as though you were blindingly sexy, incredibly talented, the lover to take her to new heights of pleasure? Or would you feel more like a tourist in Times Square, desperately trying to make sense of a crumpled map. You KNOW you can get there - dammit, you know that everyone ELSE has made sense of this...what are you doing WRONG?
Well, women aren't that different from men in that sense, except that we have been conditioned to believe that the female orgasm is an elusive little pixie - constantly dashing, giggling, out of the way - while the male orgasm is barely restrained while buying groceries. Which makes it that much worse to try your hardest, and still fail.
I, for one, would much rather feel the warm glow of satisfaction over being so incredible that you just can't hold back, then the warm glow of working up a sweat trying to coax a single bead of pre-jack from Captain Never Cum. Put your capes away for a while - how about just enjoying getting fucked, for once? That medal that you get for longest session ever - it comes with a matching medal for your partner. And no woman wants to win the gold for taking longest to get him off. Congratulations! Worst fuck ever! He only got there after eight hours and thinking about someone else!
Only a masochist would try to win THAT prize a second time...
Friday 9 November 2012
Inappropriate Ettiquette - Getting Head
I am always amazed when I hear a man talk about getting a "bad blow job". Just the thought of "bad head" blows my mind (giggidy). Seriously guys, you got a pretty girl to put your penis (and probably a little scrotum) in her mouth, just to make you feel good. There ain't a new mystery g-spot in the back of the female throat, so be grateful.
On top of that, in order to really suck at giving head (wow, the puns just write themselves today), you really have to be willfully ignorant. If you aren't at work (or your cubicle doesn't face the hallway), google "how to give a bj", and you will find hundreds of thousands of articles, blogs, sites, videos (!), jokes, memes, columns and forums all on how, exactly, to ensure that you suck cock like a gold medalist. That bible of sex tips, Cosmo, comes up with new possibilities every single month. Surely, there are only so many ways to stick a dick in your mouth? But apparently not - no, sex-ologists are undoubtedly beavering away (ha!) in a lab right now, coming up with ever new and better ways to get on your knees and make your man happy.
It isn't just technique - although, that has a lot to do with it. No, there are also tools that you can use (ice cubes, peppermint tea, flavored lubes and condoms, pop rocks, cock rings, vibrating bullets...), ways to position your entire body to get a better angle, exercises to strengthen your jaw and tongue for better longevity....as if finding the time and willpower to work out your ass, arms and abs wasn't enough, now the modern super woman should be pumping and stretching her mandibles too? Makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
And the thing that really amazes me is that in amongst this veritable sea of orgasm-inducing-oral information, there is nothing on how the recipient should behave. There is a LOT on how to persuade/manipulate a girl into doing it, but nothing on what to do once she is. This disparity makes it even more confusing - if you know how to make someone happy that they sucked your dick, they'll probably do it more often.
So here are the big ones - the commandments - the never-discussed and oft-ignored rules for what to do when you are getting head.
1. Stop trying to make it last longer than the entire Oscars ceremony. We get it, it feels good or the receiving end. But on the giving end, it's not all that comfortable. If you don't believe me, kneel naked on the floor and slam a cucumber into the back of your throat for 20 mins or so. You start to bruise (or possibly gag, depending on the combination of throat/dick sizing), your knees start to hurt, your jaw starts to ache with the sucking. Enjoy a little oral, and then bring her back up for some two-way fun. If she knows that the instant she drops below nipple-level she'll be there for the rest of the night, it'll be far less likely to happen.
2. On a related note - stop concentrating so hard on not cumming that you become little better than a grunting corpse. Again, yes, it feels good. But the thing is, we actually like to get some feedback to that effect. Remember the starfish that I talked about a while ago? I am eternally amazed by how many men bitch about it, then as soon as they get a set of lips on their manhood, lie back and think of baseball. Guess what? We don't like giving our all to a silent house any more than you do! Moan a little, move a little. Gasp and tell us how good it feels. She is the one with a mouth too full to speak, not you - and a little encouragement goes a long way!!
3. Speaking of encouragement - using her hair like a handle isn't usually the best idea, but it also isn't the worst one. Volumes of Cosmo aside, most women are actually a little nervous about how "good" they are, and a little guidance isn't the worst thing in the world. Just try not to dislodge the brain while you are doing it.
4. Unless you are REALLY sure that she is into it, stop when you feel gagging. Yes, I know that it makes you feel like Sir Big Dick, but that feeling will rapidly fade when you find yourself in the clinic because someone vomited directly into your urethra.
5. Say thank you. Especially if the lady just sucked your dick like the world's best popsicle and swallowed with a smile. Seriously - didn't your mother teach you any manners?
On top of that, in order to really suck at giving head (wow, the puns just write themselves today), you really have to be willfully ignorant. If you aren't at work (or your cubicle doesn't face the hallway), google "how to give a bj", and you will find hundreds of thousands of articles, blogs, sites, videos (!), jokes, memes, columns and forums all on how, exactly, to ensure that you suck cock like a gold medalist. That bible of sex tips, Cosmo, comes up with new possibilities every single month. Surely, there are only so many ways to stick a dick in your mouth? But apparently not - no, sex-ologists are undoubtedly beavering away (ha!) in a lab right now, coming up with ever new and better ways to get on your knees and make your man happy.
It isn't just technique - although, that has a lot to do with it. No, there are also tools that you can use (ice cubes, peppermint tea, flavored lubes and condoms, pop rocks, cock rings, vibrating bullets...), ways to position your entire body to get a better angle, exercises to strengthen your jaw and tongue for better longevity....as if finding the time and willpower to work out your ass, arms and abs wasn't enough, now the modern super woman should be pumping and stretching her mandibles too? Makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
And the thing that really amazes me is that in amongst this veritable sea of orgasm-inducing-oral information, there is nothing on how the recipient should behave. There is a LOT on how to persuade/manipulate a girl into doing it, but nothing on what to do once she is. This disparity makes it even more confusing - if you know how to make someone happy that they sucked your dick, they'll probably do it more often.
So here are the big ones - the commandments - the never-discussed and oft-ignored rules for what to do when you are getting head.
1. Stop trying to make it last longer than the entire Oscars ceremony. We get it, it feels good or the receiving end. But on the giving end, it's not all that comfortable. If you don't believe me, kneel naked on the floor and slam a cucumber into the back of your throat for 20 mins or so. You start to bruise (or possibly gag, depending on the combination of throat/dick sizing), your knees start to hurt, your jaw starts to ache with the sucking. Enjoy a little oral, and then bring her back up for some two-way fun. If she knows that the instant she drops below nipple-level she'll be there for the rest of the night, it'll be far less likely to happen.
2. On a related note - stop concentrating so hard on not cumming that you become little better than a grunting corpse. Again, yes, it feels good. But the thing is, we actually like to get some feedback to that effect. Remember the starfish that I talked about a while ago? I am eternally amazed by how many men bitch about it, then as soon as they get a set of lips on their manhood, lie back and think of baseball. Guess what? We don't like giving our all to a silent house any more than you do! Moan a little, move a little. Gasp and tell us how good it feels. She is the one with a mouth too full to speak, not you - and a little encouragement goes a long way!!
3. Speaking of encouragement - using her hair like a handle isn't usually the best idea, but it also isn't the worst one. Volumes of Cosmo aside, most women are actually a little nervous about how "good" they are, and a little guidance isn't the worst thing in the world. Just try not to dislodge the brain while you are doing it.
4. Unless you are REALLY sure that she is into it, stop when you feel gagging. Yes, I know that it makes you feel like Sir Big Dick, but that feeling will rapidly fade when you find yourself in the clinic because someone vomited directly into your urethra.
5. Say thank you. Especially if the lady just sucked your dick like the world's best popsicle and swallowed with a smile. Seriously - didn't your mother teach you any manners?
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