Full Article Here
A friend of mine in Vancouver sent me a link to this article earlier this week, and I couldn't help but think of it when I was listing the scariness that is Christian Grey. You see, this kind of behavior is exactly the kind of crap that we are going to run into if pop culture keeps holding up characters like Mr Grey and Edward (of Twilight fame) as examples of what women want in a man.
The article describes a man who went on vacation from Canada to Ireland last year. While he was there, he met a woman, and he has decided that he fell so in love with this woman that he is going to travel back to Ireland to try and be with her.
How sweet, right? Well, it would have been if he had, say, met this woman, had a holiday romance with her, kept in touch, and then decided that he was willing to risk it all to be with her, leaving his family, friends and life behind.
But that isn't what happened. In fact, he doesn't even know the woman's name (thank god, for her sake). She isn't someone that he had many conversations with, or saw multiple times during his holiday. No, this is a woman who gave him directions to a tourist attraction. Once. Over a year ago.
And now, he is not only actually flying across the world to try and find her, but he is actively involving the media to try and make it easier.
Any way you slice it, this is scary stuff. Just imagine it - some random person that you gave polite information to a long time ago might have spent the intervening months creating a fantasy where you are the only one for him (or her - frankly, I'm kind of surprised it's a dude, as this smacks of bat-crap-crazy-girl behavior). And now he is coming for you. Gonna hunt you down like a dog, and when he announces that intention to the world, he isn't wrestled to the ground by armed police. Nope, the world's media has apparently been watching too many romantic comedies in it's pjs while eating cookie dough straight out of the tube, because it breathes a collective sigh and decided to HELP this crazy bastard.
To me, this is the plot of an episode of "Criminal Minds" not "Sex And The City". If I was living in Ireland right now, and had happened to have given directions to someone, I'd be dying my hair and stocking up on mace (and possibly bullets). I'd be wondering if its possible to build up a tolerance to chloroform.
Best case scenario, she is single, was attracted to him, and they have a short but awkward relationship that ends because it's really difficult trying to build a relationship with someone who has basically declared undying love on the first date. It's also impossible that she would ever live up to the fantasy that he has created in him mind over the past year. Finally, it's never a great way to build trust, knowing that your partner is emotionally unstable, and might declare undying love for a total stranger at any moment. Awkward, but oh well.
More realistic scenarios include:
- She is married, and her husband gon' be PISSED.
- She is gay.
- She is smart enough to be scared off by this psychotic behavior.
- She is nothing like his memory of her, and he can never find his fantasy woman because he wouldn't recognize her again if he saw her, and he is never able to actually have a decent relationship again, constantly pining over "the one that got away".
- She is found several weeks later, tied to a chair, and needs therapy for the rest of her life.
- She is found in a ditch. Well, most of her.
*shudder
Sunday 30 September 2012
50 Reasons to Hate Grey
Christian Grey is a dick.
OK, that's not really a reason, or a major issue for a fictional character. Some of my favorite literary figures are assholes of one kind or another. It makes them interesting, gives them depth, creates a certain relatability, given that few real people don't have at least a touch of the jerk to them.
The issue that I have with Mr Grey, therefore, is not that he is a dick, but that he isn't presented as a dick. He is drawn as the prince of the Shades of Grey trilogy, and not even a prince in disguise. E L James created him to be a slightly dark and complicated hero, but a hero nonetheless - the kind of man that women would swoon over, search for, hold up as an ideal of what love truly is.
Apparently, if you love someone, you should do this stuff:
1. He pursues a woman while believing that he will damage her.
What an amazing man, totally at the mercy of his overwhelming feelings toward her - that even though he knows that she is an "innocent", he just can't help himself but to keep going after her! Awwwwww.....
OR - what a completely selfish thing to do. This is not a man who is stupid, or lacks willpower, remember. This is apparently a multi-billionaire, smart and ruthless enough to build his empire by his mid-twenties, more than capable of making hard decisions. He recognizes that he shouldn't do something, but then does it anyway, and calls that love.
2. He takes stalking to the level of an Olympic sport. Within an HOUR of meeting this woman, he gets every scrap of information possible about her, her family, and her friends, and has no compunction about using it to find her.
3. He is a criminal. Whoops - E L James just quietly glosses over the fact that throughout the books, he rides roughshod over a wide range of laws. Starting with his stalker tendencies, which break a whole bunch of privacy laws (digital and otherwise), as well as put him involved in hacking (the only way to get most of that information so quickly would be to hack various databases). He assaults or pays to have assaulted Ana's first employer, and arranges to have him fired illegally (it wouldn't have been difficult to go through the proper channels, but instead he goes the hired thug route. Classy). His "rescue" of Ana plays jump rope with the line between saving and kidnapping, and he buys a company in which he has a personal interest without disclosing that to shareholders.
4. He chooses to take the law into his own hands, rather than calling the police. At several points, he actively decides to avoid "bringing the police into this", even with "this" puts various people's lives in danger. Nope, the big strong Mr Grey can handle it on his own. God complex, anyone?
5. He continues to play with the feelings of ex-partners. He keeps Elena in his life, encouraging and working with her, despite her obvious feelings for him. He then cruelly play with her - alternately shutting her out and having clandestine meetings with her. He also makes sure that even though he is finished with his past sub, he keeps control over her by supporting her financially, keeping her in his debt.
6. He blames Ana for her behavior when she is tipsy, but encourages her to drink at all times. And I mean ALL times. On the plus side, reading this book will make you feel much better about your own consumption, no matter how much that is.
7. He is freakishly jealous. To the point that he buys a series of portraits of her, despite the fact that she is embarrassed about them. He does this not because he thinks her so beautiful, or wants her to have them for when she is old and grey (geddit?), but because he doesn't want anyone else to be able to look at her.
8. He apparently has a magic penis. Although you would never know it, as the word "penis" is never used. Nor is "cock", "dick" or really anything that isn't a ridiculous euphemism - "length", "hardness"....occasionally "erection" if James is feeling particularly raunchy. The way I see it, he must have bought himself a medical research team to make sure that he can ejaculate repeatedly within a short space of time, ejaculate either without losing an erection, or with the ability to lose and regain a hard-on within minutes, and have complete control over his own orgasms. Not much for your boyfriend to live up to, then.
9. He also has the magic gift of the orgasm. Now this is an impossible standard for the ladies AND the men to live up to. Men, you should be able to make your gal cum with a flick of her nipple. If you can't, then either you are a terrible lover or she is a frigid bitch. Oh, and you MUST make her orgasm every single time, preferably repeatedly. Women, if your man doesn't make you instantly wet at all times of day and night, and if you cannot force your body to orgasm, you fail. The man hands out orgasms like complimentary mints - no pressure.
10. He doesn't want her to have a career. I have no problems with women who decide that they would rather make a career of their family, vounteering, whatever. I DO have a problem with a man that repeatedly encourages his wife/gf to leave the job that she loves, because he doesn't want her to work, earn money, or generally have independence.
11. When he can't make her leave her career, he has a nifty little trick that allows her to keep it, but actually stops it from being hers, and makes it his instead. This trick is called "buy the company she works for and give it to her". Seems like a big romantic gesture, actually is just a way of giving her his money and taking away any excuse she could have for working instead of seeing him - she never has to worry about her professional reputation or being fired.
12. He teaches her that BDSM is actually just something that emotionally damaged people do. It is made very clear that the ONLY reason he got into this lifestyle is that he needed an outlet for his damaged soul. Now that she has "healed" him, he doesn't need such things anymore. God forbid that she ever discovers a fetish of her own, or it'll be off to therapy!
13. Oh wait, he already put her in therapy.
14. He pushes her to move ridiculously quickly. By the end of the third book, they are married and pregnant....and the trilogy takes place over the span of about a YEAR. Maybe a year and a half. That timetable is - meet, fall in love, and move in together within a couple of months. Then get engaged immediately, plan a wedding in a few months, get married, immediately get knocked up. This is not romantic, this is rushing.
15. He is moody. I am so sick of "romantic" men always acting like teenage girls on their period. You know what's really romantic? Emotional stability.
16. He is either a liar or a psychological marvel. I vote liar, but I know that James wanted it to be the second option, which is insulting to both the entire profession of psychology AND anyone who is working through their own issues. The guy has spent 20 years being fucked up, trying to work through his past, paying reams of psychologists and therapists, but to no avail. He was so damaged that he was mute for a time, and still has a severe touch phobia. But once he meets Ana, all of this goes away. Within a year. Sure, he is still jealous, possessive, demanding, demeaning...but he has completely got over all of his major trauma. Riiiiight.
17. He believes that anyone can be bought, and that money trumps all. Throughout the book, he pays people obscene amounts of money to work outside of their offices and office hours. He just "makes a call" and the best doctors, security men, whatever...pop up. Out of nowhere. To make housecalls. Never mind that his desire to force his girlfriend to take hormones can wait a day or two, nope, he needs to bribe a woman away from her day off to deal with it NOW. Because he can.
18. He believes that birth control is the woman's problem. No matter that he can (and does) use condoms until she has capitulated, it is all up to her. There is never a discussion of WHETHER she wants to go on birth control, if she is comfortable with taking large amounts of synthetic hormones, there is just a phone call to a doctor. Apparently she discusses options with that doctor, but I'm guessing that "keep using condoms" wasn't one of them.
19. He has no problem with blackmail. In fact, he keeps photos in his safe for that exact reason.
20. Wait, that doesn't make sense. The photos exist to prevent women from coming out to the media about the type of relationship they have had with him. But what would the photos DO, exactly? If the woman actually came out to the media, releasing the photos would just add fuel to the fire - the woman has already admitted what she did, so what difference would photos make to her? Or does he continually threaten to send them to her loved ones to keep her from telling anyone.....which still doesn't make sense, because if he released the photos, everyone would know his predilections. Methinks this may be another lie, and he just likes to jack off to his conquests. Or E L James didn't think that through.
21. He is deeply into the BDSM scene, but uses completely incongruous language. "Behind"? Seriously???
22. He is deeply into the BDSM scene, but considers it a dirty and shameful secret. Back to the blackmail here - despite owning his own companies, not being involved in politics, and not having a board of directors to answer to (or products that could really be boycotted) he is deeply afraid of anyone finding out that he like the occasional spanking. I'm aware that, sadly, this is fairly common, but it's not something that we should be applauding.
23. He is completely unforgiving. Of everyone. Always. Do not cross the Grey, or you will never be able to make it up to him. Most notably, despite 20 years of therapy (or thereabouts) he still cannot even BEGIN to forgive his birth mother. I'm sure that at some point in there, at least one therapist would have suggested the referring to her only as "the crack whore" does nothing but perpetuate his anger. No?
24. He fires people at the drop of a hat. Ruthless businessman, sure, that's a good quality. SO ruthless that you fire people before even ascertaining the situation, or whether they were at fault - not so good.
25. He has very little respect for other people. This crosses a lot of things - his insta-firing, his blackmailing, his interruption of professionals personal lives...but he gets a special mention for the PDA that crosses into obscenity. In one elevator scene, he is basically fingering Ana in a crowded lift, which is supposed to be "hot" and show how passionate they are. I just feel sorry for the other people. Apparently he doesn't care if he is making anyone else uncomfortable or upset - in fact, that makes it hotter.
26. He presents himself as a BDSM master, King of Kink.....but really, the things he does are fairly tame, even when talking about his "Red Room of Pain". I'm aware that this is yet another fault of the ill-informed author, not the character, but still. Two whole books to stick a finger in her ass? Oooh.....filthy.
27. He has a serious superiority complex. It is far too dangerous for HER to drive a jetski, but he can do it, because he is so much better. He knows what is best. He knows what he is doing. She is clearly incapable.
28. He loves to show off his money, even if it makes her uncomfortable. Despite her constant references to how uncomfortable she feels when he is being lavish, he tells her to "get used to it", but doesn't actually give her a chance to ease into it, because he is constantly dropping tens of thousands of dollars on her. Daily.
29. He loves to show off, period. And who doesn't love a man who bases every date around yet another thing he owns/does/can do? Being impressed with yourself is such an attractive quality.
30. He's clean shaven and un-tattooed. Ok, that is totally a personal preference......but if you are going to write such a caricature of a "bad boy" at least give him something!!!
31. He is one of those guys that likes to date thin women, but tries to make them fat. If you don't already know, this is one of the techniques most commonly employed by abusive partners - getting a woman to gain weight so that they feel unattractive and are less likely to leave. He is constantly haranguing her about food, telling her to eat when she is not hungry, giving her seriously rich foods...and then he uses backhanded compliments when she (obviously) gains weight.
32. He is unbelievably controlling. It had to be in the list somewhere.
33. He is rude to her best friends, and tries to prevent her seeing them. Nice. Also an abusive relationship sign, being cut off from friends. Later in the books, he puts up with them, but he's still not happy about it.
34. He fishes for compliments. Oh, who me? I have a musical talent? I have an amazing voice? Oh I had no idea you were listening....
35. He makes a big scene about wanting her to be healthy, and how she HAS to get 8 hours sleep a night or will be punished, then gets out of bed every night and plays the damn grand piano. Have you ever heard a grand piano? They be loud.
36. Also on the grand piano thing, either he had one specially designed for sex, or we have discovered more magical powers. I've modeled on a grand. That whole scene was just flat out wrong.
37. When she leaves him (and with good reason!!) he makes a giant production out of it, then guilts the hell out of her by hinting at suicidal thoughts. Very mature and emotionally stable. Way to recognize your own faults in your actions, not just your words.
38. He claims that she is "special", yet he makes it clear to her that she is being given the same clothes, stylist, doctor, trainer, and car as every other girl he has been with. I feel so special!
39. He forces her to sell her beloved first car. I don't know about you, but I absolutely adored my first car - it was a beat up old piece of crap, but it had great sentimental significance. It's clear that hers does too, but oh well. Never mind.
40.He loves to make her feel stupid. When it comes to technology and sex, especially - constantly smirking at her, being very patronizing when explaining things, etc etc. Of course, this is mitigated slightly by how very stupid she is. (Who the heck goes through college but doesn't know how to research a topic online???)
41. He hires people that he knows will make his wife uncomfortable, but acts like it is no big deal. Prime example - "Oh, here is this designer for the house. Yes, I know that she wants me. Yes, I know that she is hitting on me. Yes, I know that it makes you upset. Fire her? God no, we reserve that for people who are doing what you tell them to do."
42. He is the king of double standards. "You didn't call in exactly 20 minutes like you promised? I am furious, and we will have a giant fight.". "I got in a helicopter crash and didn't contact anyone for a day? Well, I didn't really think about it." SERIOUSLY???
43. He constantly compliments her looks, but rarely (if ever) her brain. Nice to know she'll still be loved if/when she loses her youth and beauty.
44. He has a violent and unpredictable temper. How does this not bother her?
45. He is apparently really stupid when it comes to gun ownership, and gun laws. Yet more law-breaking - he keeps a gun that does not belong to him and that is not registered in his name. He keeps it in his desk drawer - not only stupid, but usually illegal (in most places, guns have to be kept in a locked cabinet). He keeps a loaded gun despite not knowing how to use it. He could easily research any of this, or talk to any of his highly trained security men about it, but apparently this is a blind spot for him. It's only a deadly weapon, after all.
46. He has no friends. Career-minded or not, this is always a big red flag.
47. He makes his wife/gf the absolute center of his universe. Probably because he has no friends, which is a lot of pressure to put on one person. Being everything to a person is never a comfortable place to be.
48. He expects that he will be the center of his wife/gfs universe in return. Hence the annoyance at her job, social life, etc. That is a nice, healthy relationship.
49. He keeps secrets, hides his past, is evasive, cold and withholds as much information as he can. Another stellar trait from this shining example of manhood.
50. Finally, he is one of the most blatantly manipulative characters ever. He isn't even really subtle about it, but basically uses classical conditioning on his girlfriend. Do what I want, and I will be open, kind, caring and give you unlimited orgasms. Don't do what I want, and I'll be sullen, angry, moody, insulting, and withhold affection. Sit girl! Staaay!
Good dog!! I mean....wife.
OK, that's not really a reason, or a major issue for a fictional character. Some of my favorite literary figures are assholes of one kind or another. It makes them interesting, gives them depth, creates a certain relatability, given that few real people don't have at least a touch of the jerk to them.
The issue that I have with Mr Grey, therefore, is not that he is a dick, but that he isn't presented as a dick. He is drawn as the prince of the Shades of Grey trilogy, and not even a prince in disguise. E L James created him to be a slightly dark and complicated hero, but a hero nonetheless - the kind of man that women would swoon over, search for, hold up as an ideal of what love truly is.
Apparently, if you love someone, you should do this stuff:
1. He pursues a woman while believing that he will damage her.
What an amazing man, totally at the mercy of his overwhelming feelings toward her - that even though he knows that she is an "innocent", he just can't help himself but to keep going after her! Awwwwww.....
OR - what a completely selfish thing to do. This is not a man who is stupid, or lacks willpower, remember. This is apparently a multi-billionaire, smart and ruthless enough to build his empire by his mid-twenties, more than capable of making hard decisions. He recognizes that he shouldn't do something, but then does it anyway, and calls that love.
2. He takes stalking to the level of an Olympic sport. Within an HOUR of meeting this woman, he gets every scrap of information possible about her, her family, and her friends, and has no compunction about using it to find her.
3. He is a criminal. Whoops - E L James just quietly glosses over the fact that throughout the books, he rides roughshod over a wide range of laws. Starting with his stalker tendencies, which break a whole bunch of privacy laws (digital and otherwise), as well as put him involved in hacking (the only way to get most of that information so quickly would be to hack various databases). He assaults or pays to have assaulted Ana's first employer, and arranges to have him fired illegally (it wouldn't have been difficult to go through the proper channels, but instead he goes the hired thug route. Classy). His "rescue" of Ana plays jump rope with the line between saving and kidnapping, and he buys a company in which he has a personal interest without disclosing that to shareholders.
4. He chooses to take the law into his own hands, rather than calling the police. At several points, he actively decides to avoid "bringing the police into this", even with "this" puts various people's lives in danger. Nope, the big strong Mr Grey can handle it on his own. God complex, anyone?
5. He continues to play with the feelings of ex-partners. He keeps Elena in his life, encouraging and working with her, despite her obvious feelings for him. He then cruelly play with her - alternately shutting her out and having clandestine meetings with her. He also makes sure that even though he is finished with his past sub, he keeps control over her by supporting her financially, keeping her in his debt.
6. He blames Ana for her behavior when she is tipsy, but encourages her to drink at all times. And I mean ALL times. On the plus side, reading this book will make you feel much better about your own consumption, no matter how much that is.
7. He is freakishly jealous. To the point that he buys a series of portraits of her, despite the fact that she is embarrassed about them. He does this not because he thinks her so beautiful, or wants her to have them for when she is old and grey (geddit?), but because he doesn't want anyone else to be able to look at her.
8. He apparently has a magic penis. Although you would never know it, as the word "penis" is never used. Nor is "cock", "dick" or really anything that isn't a ridiculous euphemism - "length", "hardness"....occasionally "erection" if James is feeling particularly raunchy. The way I see it, he must have bought himself a medical research team to make sure that he can ejaculate repeatedly within a short space of time, ejaculate either without losing an erection, or with the ability to lose and regain a hard-on within minutes, and have complete control over his own orgasms. Not much for your boyfriend to live up to, then.
9. He also has the magic gift of the orgasm. Now this is an impossible standard for the ladies AND the men to live up to. Men, you should be able to make your gal cum with a flick of her nipple. If you can't, then either you are a terrible lover or she is a frigid bitch. Oh, and you MUST make her orgasm every single time, preferably repeatedly. Women, if your man doesn't make you instantly wet at all times of day and night, and if you cannot force your body to orgasm, you fail. The man hands out orgasms like complimentary mints - no pressure.
10. He doesn't want her to have a career. I have no problems with women who decide that they would rather make a career of their family, vounteering, whatever. I DO have a problem with a man that repeatedly encourages his wife/gf to leave the job that she loves, because he doesn't want her to work, earn money, or generally have independence.
11. When he can't make her leave her career, he has a nifty little trick that allows her to keep it, but actually stops it from being hers, and makes it his instead. This trick is called "buy the company she works for and give it to her". Seems like a big romantic gesture, actually is just a way of giving her his money and taking away any excuse she could have for working instead of seeing him - she never has to worry about her professional reputation or being fired.
12. He teaches her that BDSM is actually just something that emotionally damaged people do. It is made very clear that the ONLY reason he got into this lifestyle is that he needed an outlet for his damaged soul. Now that she has "healed" him, he doesn't need such things anymore. God forbid that she ever discovers a fetish of her own, or it'll be off to therapy!
13. Oh wait, he already put her in therapy.
14. He pushes her to move ridiculously quickly. By the end of the third book, they are married and pregnant....and the trilogy takes place over the span of about a YEAR. Maybe a year and a half. That timetable is - meet, fall in love, and move in together within a couple of months. Then get engaged immediately, plan a wedding in a few months, get married, immediately get knocked up. This is not romantic, this is rushing.
15. He is moody. I am so sick of "romantic" men always acting like teenage girls on their period. You know what's really romantic? Emotional stability.
16. He is either a liar or a psychological marvel. I vote liar, but I know that James wanted it to be the second option, which is insulting to both the entire profession of psychology AND anyone who is working through their own issues. The guy has spent 20 years being fucked up, trying to work through his past, paying reams of psychologists and therapists, but to no avail. He was so damaged that he was mute for a time, and still has a severe touch phobia. But once he meets Ana, all of this goes away. Within a year. Sure, he is still jealous, possessive, demanding, demeaning...but he has completely got over all of his major trauma. Riiiiight.
17. He believes that anyone can be bought, and that money trumps all. Throughout the book, he pays people obscene amounts of money to work outside of their offices and office hours. He just "makes a call" and the best doctors, security men, whatever...pop up. Out of nowhere. To make housecalls. Never mind that his desire to force his girlfriend to take hormones can wait a day or two, nope, he needs to bribe a woman away from her day off to deal with it NOW. Because he can.
18. He believes that birth control is the woman's problem. No matter that he can (and does) use condoms until she has capitulated, it is all up to her. There is never a discussion of WHETHER she wants to go on birth control, if she is comfortable with taking large amounts of synthetic hormones, there is just a phone call to a doctor. Apparently she discusses options with that doctor, but I'm guessing that "keep using condoms" wasn't one of them.
19. He has no problem with blackmail. In fact, he keeps photos in his safe for that exact reason.
20. Wait, that doesn't make sense. The photos exist to prevent women from coming out to the media about the type of relationship they have had with him. But what would the photos DO, exactly? If the woman actually came out to the media, releasing the photos would just add fuel to the fire - the woman has already admitted what she did, so what difference would photos make to her? Or does he continually threaten to send them to her loved ones to keep her from telling anyone.....which still doesn't make sense, because if he released the photos, everyone would know his predilections. Methinks this may be another lie, and he just likes to jack off to his conquests. Or E L James didn't think that through.
21. He is deeply into the BDSM scene, but uses completely incongruous language. "Behind"? Seriously???
22. He is deeply into the BDSM scene, but considers it a dirty and shameful secret. Back to the blackmail here - despite owning his own companies, not being involved in politics, and not having a board of directors to answer to (or products that could really be boycotted) he is deeply afraid of anyone finding out that he like the occasional spanking. I'm aware that, sadly, this is fairly common, but it's not something that we should be applauding.
23. He is completely unforgiving. Of everyone. Always. Do not cross the Grey, or you will never be able to make it up to him. Most notably, despite 20 years of therapy (or thereabouts) he still cannot even BEGIN to forgive his birth mother. I'm sure that at some point in there, at least one therapist would have suggested the referring to her only as "the crack whore" does nothing but perpetuate his anger. No?
24. He fires people at the drop of a hat. Ruthless businessman, sure, that's a good quality. SO ruthless that you fire people before even ascertaining the situation, or whether they were at fault - not so good.
25. He has very little respect for other people. This crosses a lot of things - his insta-firing, his blackmailing, his interruption of professionals personal lives...but he gets a special mention for the PDA that crosses into obscenity. In one elevator scene, he is basically fingering Ana in a crowded lift, which is supposed to be "hot" and show how passionate they are. I just feel sorry for the other people. Apparently he doesn't care if he is making anyone else uncomfortable or upset - in fact, that makes it hotter.
26. He presents himself as a BDSM master, King of Kink.....but really, the things he does are fairly tame, even when talking about his "Red Room of Pain". I'm aware that this is yet another fault of the ill-informed author, not the character, but still. Two whole books to stick a finger in her ass? Oooh.....filthy.
27. He has a serious superiority complex. It is far too dangerous for HER to drive a jetski, but he can do it, because he is so much better. He knows what is best. He knows what he is doing. She is clearly incapable.
28. He loves to show off his money, even if it makes her uncomfortable. Despite her constant references to how uncomfortable she feels when he is being lavish, he tells her to "get used to it", but doesn't actually give her a chance to ease into it, because he is constantly dropping tens of thousands of dollars on her. Daily.
29. He loves to show off, period. And who doesn't love a man who bases every date around yet another thing he owns/does/can do? Being impressed with yourself is such an attractive quality.
30. He's clean shaven and un-tattooed. Ok, that is totally a personal preference......but if you are going to write such a caricature of a "bad boy" at least give him something!!!
31. He is one of those guys that likes to date thin women, but tries to make them fat. If you don't already know, this is one of the techniques most commonly employed by abusive partners - getting a woman to gain weight so that they feel unattractive and are less likely to leave. He is constantly haranguing her about food, telling her to eat when she is not hungry, giving her seriously rich foods...and then he uses backhanded compliments when she (obviously) gains weight.
32. He is unbelievably controlling. It had to be in the list somewhere.
33. He is rude to her best friends, and tries to prevent her seeing them. Nice. Also an abusive relationship sign, being cut off from friends. Later in the books, he puts up with them, but he's still not happy about it.
34. He fishes for compliments. Oh, who me? I have a musical talent? I have an amazing voice? Oh I had no idea you were listening....
35. He makes a big scene about wanting her to be healthy, and how she HAS to get 8 hours sleep a night or will be punished, then gets out of bed every night and plays the damn grand piano. Have you ever heard a grand piano? They be loud.
36. Also on the grand piano thing, either he had one specially designed for sex, or we have discovered more magical powers. I've modeled on a grand. That whole scene was just flat out wrong.
37. When she leaves him (and with good reason!!) he makes a giant production out of it, then guilts the hell out of her by hinting at suicidal thoughts. Very mature and emotionally stable. Way to recognize your own faults in your actions, not just your words.
38. He claims that she is "special", yet he makes it clear to her that she is being given the same clothes, stylist, doctor, trainer, and car as every other girl he has been with. I feel so special!
39. He forces her to sell her beloved first car. I don't know about you, but I absolutely adored my first car - it was a beat up old piece of crap, but it had great sentimental significance. It's clear that hers does too, but oh well. Never mind.
40.He loves to make her feel stupid. When it comes to technology and sex, especially - constantly smirking at her, being very patronizing when explaining things, etc etc. Of course, this is mitigated slightly by how very stupid she is. (Who the heck goes through college but doesn't know how to research a topic online???)
41. He hires people that he knows will make his wife uncomfortable, but acts like it is no big deal. Prime example - "Oh, here is this designer for the house. Yes, I know that she wants me. Yes, I know that she is hitting on me. Yes, I know that it makes you upset. Fire her? God no, we reserve that for people who are doing what you tell them to do."
42. He is the king of double standards. "You didn't call in exactly 20 minutes like you promised? I am furious, and we will have a giant fight.". "I got in a helicopter crash and didn't contact anyone for a day? Well, I didn't really think about it." SERIOUSLY???
43. He constantly compliments her looks, but rarely (if ever) her brain. Nice to know she'll still be loved if/when she loses her youth and beauty.
44. He has a violent and unpredictable temper. How does this not bother her?
45. He is apparently really stupid when it comes to gun ownership, and gun laws. Yet more law-breaking - he keeps a gun that does not belong to him and that is not registered in his name. He keeps it in his desk drawer - not only stupid, but usually illegal (in most places, guns have to be kept in a locked cabinet). He keeps a loaded gun despite not knowing how to use it. He could easily research any of this, or talk to any of his highly trained security men about it, but apparently this is a blind spot for him. It's only a deadly weapon, after all.
46. He has no friends. Career-minded or not, this is always a big red flag.
47. He makes his wife/gf the absolute center of his universe. Probably because he has no friends, which is a lot of pressure to put on one person. Being everything to a person is never a comfortable place to be.
48. He expects that he will be the center of his wife/gfs universe in return. Hence the annoyance at her job, social life, etc. That is a nice, healthy relationship.
49. He keeps secrets, hides his past, is evasive, cold and withholds as much information as he can. Another stellar trait from this shining example of manhood.
50. Finally, he is one of the most blatantly manipulative characters ever. He isn't even really subtle about it, but basically uses classical conditioning on his girlfriend. Do what I want, and I will be open, kind, caring and give you unlimited orgasms. Don't do what I want, and I'll be sullen, angry, moody, insulting, and withhold affection. Sit girl! Staaay!
Good dog!! I mean....wife.
Saturday 29 September 2012
The Anti-Feminist Feminist: Get Back in the Kitchen!
Feminist Question of the day:
"Why are you so keen on women learning to cook & bake? Are you really so backwards, that you think that women should be stuck in 50's style gender roles? I have a big important job, so I don't have time for stuff like that. I'll either pay someone to do it for me, or get my husband to. So there!"
Sigh. I love how some women seem to be under the impression that it is really feminist and riot-grrrrrly to avoid knowing how to do things. I hate to break it to you, but if you aren't capable of basic life skills all on your own, that doesn't make you independent and sassy....it makes you HELPLESS. And we aren't talking about a skill that is interesting, but fairly unnecessary - I'm not suggesting that you learn how to crochet, or to churn your own butter! Food keeps us alive, ladies; it's a pretty basic skill to have.
Yet so many girls aren't bothering to learn how to cook or bake, and seem to be awfully proud of the fact that they are utterly crap at something that is vital to human life. Guess your PHD wasn't in common sense, eh?
Here's the thing - if you are relying on someone else to provide you with food, even by paying for it with your own hard-earned money, you are still relying on someone else. And you are assuming that you will always have the money to pay for it! You may have a great job NOW, but take a quick gander back at recent history, and you are going to find these things called "crashes" and "the depression". Life can change awfully quickly, and if you want to stay on top, you should be prepared to pull on your big-girl panties and take care of yourself.
The girls (I don't really think that these people have earned the title "woman" yet) who expect that they will just find a man who will stay at home and cook for them are even worse. First off, you are basing a decision to avoid learning a life skill on the assumption that you will "get a man". Gee, how very progressive that thinking is! It sure is nice to be living in these modern times where women don't plan their life around the idea of getting married! Oh wait...
And even if you do manage to find a man, fall in love, and he just happens to be a phenomenal cook and wants to do all the cooking for you, you are still making some pretty ridiculous assumptions. First off, you are flying in the face of every study on life expectancy, ever, and assuming that your personal chef/husband will outlive you. Better take up smoking and scotch drinking girls! Otherwise you may find yourself in your 60s and 70s living on microwave dinners. You are also assuming that hubby is going to STAY married to you for the rest of your life - again, statistics don't have your back on that one.
I'm also not sure that you are increasing the chances of a long and happy marriage if you are incapable of boiling an egg. To my mind, one of the great things about having a partner is that you are able to take care of each other, and treat each other with kindness and love (I know, I know, setting the women's movement back again here by treating men the way I would like to be treated). I wouldn't want to be married to someone who couldn't make me so much as a bowl of soup and a grilled cheese sandwich when I'm down with the flu, or who never baked me a birthday cupcake or brought me breakfast in bed "just because". If you decide you want children, cooking and baking together is just plain ol' fun! Do you really want to miss out on making green eggs and ham, or helping your kid make cookies for father's day? More importantly, do you want to raise kids to be as helpless as yourself?
Knowing how to cook helps you in the wider world as well. It's not just good manners to offer to help your hosts out in the kitchen, it helps you build friendships. It's not a secret - people like people who are helpful and nice, not people who sit around being waited on hand and foot. It's respectful to your parents to be able to take on some of the responsibility of cooking at big family gatherings, and it's certainly not very feminist to expect your mom to cook an entire thanksgiving dinner on her own while the family watches tv. What if you don't have family, or don't care about making friends? Well, then I feel pretty sorry for you, but I know that isn't the point. What if you only care about work? In that case, guess how much better it is for your career if you are the person that brings in home-made cupcakes on your colleagues birthday - it certainly won't get you shuffled to the back of the line come promotion time. In fact, that's not only going to help your relationships with your colleagues (always important if you want to be successful), but it brings you into the spotlight. It shows that you are capable, thoughtful, and clearly have good time management skills, if you are able to handle your workload and still find time to be baking from scratch! Sure, you could just buy them, but since when is going the extra mile a bad thing? Being able to make a healthy lunch for yourself means less time out of the office, waiting in line at sandwich shops. And that means more time to work, and an appearance of a harder worker - both clearly terrible ways to advance your career.
Finally, cooking isn't just going to help you in your relationships, in your work, in your family and in your friendships.....cooking, and food, is about health. Knowing how to make nutritious food, pulling together fresh, healthy meals - it's not about going all Martha Stewart (although let's face it, that would be pretty cool), it's about keeping your body healthy and strong. A diet of ready meals and take out may be easier, but it's not going to help you stay fit. Decided to run a marathon for charity? Don't want to be looking around for the fabled "big strong man" when you have to lift heavy things? Got a big client or a heavy workload that means extra stress and working overtime? Eating healthily gives you the ability to do those things.
So if you want to be a helpless, weak woman, then sure, you don't need to know how to cook. How very feminist of you.
But if you want to be strong, successful, balanced in your relationships, respected by your friends and family, and have even a tiny chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse - pick up a spoon and strap on your superwoman apron!! Who knows, you might even (gasp!) enjoy it! Don't worry, it'll be our secret...
"Why are you so keen on women learning to cook & bake? Are you really so backwards, that you think that women should be stuck in 50's style gender roles? I have a big important job, so I don't have time for stuff like that. I'll either pay someone to do it for me, or get my husband to. So there!"
Yet so many girls aren't bothering to learn how to cook or bake, and seem to be awfully proud of the fact that they are utterly crap at something that is vital to human life. Guess your PHD wasn't in common sense, eh?
Here's the thing - if you are relying on someone else to provide you with food, even by paying for it with your own hard-earned money, you are still relying on someone else. And you are assuming that you will always have the money to pay for it! You may have a great job NOW, but take a quick gander back at recent history, and you are going to find these things called "crashes" and "the depression". Life can change awfully quickly, and if you want to stay on top, you should be prepared to pull on your big-girl panties and take care of yourself.
The girls (I don't really think that these people have earned the title "woman" yet) who expect that they will just find a man who will stay at home and cook for them are even worse. First off, you are basing a decision to avoid learning a life skill on the assumption that you will "get a man". Gee, how very progressive that thinking is! It sure is nice to be living in these modern times where women don't plan their life around the idea of getting married! Oh wait...
And even if you do manage to find a man, fall in love, and he just happens to be a phenomenal cook and wants to do all the cooking for you, you are still making some pretty ridiculous assumptions. First off, you are flying in the face of every study on life expectancy, ever, and assuming that your personal chef/husband will outlive you. Better take up smoking and scotch drinking girls! Otherwise you may find yourself in your 60s and 70s living on microwave dinners. You are also assuming that hubby is going to STAY married to you for the rest of your life - again, statistics don't have your back on that one.
I'm also not sure that you are increasing the chances of a long and happy marriage if you are incapable of boiling an egg. To my mind, one of the great things about having a partner is that you are able to take care of each other, and treat each other with kindness and love (I know, I know, setting the women's movement back again here by treating men the way I would like to be treated). I wouldn't want to be married to someone who couldn't make me so much as a bowl of soup and a grilled cheese sandwich when I'm down with the flu, or who never baked me a birthday cupcake or brought me breakfast in bed "just because". If you decide you want children, cooking and baking together is just plain ol' fun! Do you really want to miss out on making green eggs and ham, or helping your kid make cookies for father's day? More importantly, do you want to raise kids to be as helpless as yourself?
Knowing how to cook helps you in the wider world as well. It's not just good manners to offer to help your hosts out in the kitchen, it helps you build friendships. It's not a secret - people like people who are helpful and nice, not people who sit around being waited on hand and foot. It's respectful to your parents to be able to take on some of the responsibility of cooking at big family gatherings, and it's certainly not very feminist to expect your mom to cook an entire thanksgiving dinner on her own while the family watches tv. What if you don't have family, or don't care about making friends? Well, then I feel pretty sorry for you, but I know that isn't the point. What if you only care about work? In that case, guess how much better it is for your career if you are the person that brings in home-made cupcakes on your colleagues birthday - it certainly won't get you shuffled to the back of the line come promotion time. In fact, that's not only going to help your relationships with your colleagues (always important if you want to be successful), but it brings you into the spotlight. It shows that you are capable, thoughtful, and clearly have good time management skills, if you are able to handle your workload and still find time to be baking from scratch! Sure, you could just buy them, but since when is going the extra mile a bad thing? Being able to make a healthy lunch for yourself means less time out of the office, waiting in line at sandwich shops. And that means more time to work, and an appearance of a harder worker - both clearly terrible ways to advance your career.
Finally, cooking isn't just going to help you in your relationships, in your work, in your family and in your friendships.....cooking, and food, is about health. Knowing how to make nutritious food, pulling together fresh, healthy meals - it's not about going all Martha Stewart (although let's face it, that would be pretty cool), it's about keeping your body healthy and strong. A diet of ready meals and take out may be easier, but it's not going to help you stay fit. Decided to run a marathon for charity? Don't want to be looking around for the fabled "big strong man" when you have to lift heavy things? Got a big client or a heavy workload that means extra stress and working overtime? Eating healthily gives you the ability to do those things.
So if you want to be a helpless, weak woman, then sure, you don't need to know how to cook. How very feminist of you.
But if you want to be strong, successful, balanced in your relationships, respected by your friends and family, and have even a tiny chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse - pick up a spoon and strap on your superwoman apron!! Who knows, you might even (gasp!) enjoy it! Don't worry, it'll be our secret...
Friday 28 September 2012
Dirty Disney #1, Snow White
Grumpy: "Women! Full o'wicked wiles!"
Bashful: "What are wicked wiles?"
Grumpy: "I don't know...but I'm against them!!"
Now that I am intending to post something on a regular basis, I have all kinds of ideas for stuff I'd like to write about. Reviews of books (writing something for 50 Shades of Godawful Writing right now!), your questions answered, all sorts of stuff that will (hopefully!) make interesting reading.
So tonight, I want to start a new series of posts on princesses!! For some reason, I have always had a bit of an obsession with Disney princesses, and what is a blog if not a place to air your obsessions under the delusion that people care? Shallow, I know, but hey! I'm a whore, remember? Who needs depth, when you have dildos....
A warning, though, to anyone assuming that I intend to trot out the same boring old line about how Disney princesses are terrible role models & isn't it cynical and funny....sleeping with seven men, talking to strangers in the woods, bursting into song, etc etc. It may be very ironic and droll, but it's just not me. I'm essentially sincere in my adoration for the Princesses - there is no campy irony in my Ariel tattoo, I just really love the story.
On top of that, I tend to think that the "slutty princess" videos/memes usually represent a very stupid, overly-literal interpretation of the movies. The princesses may have been a little man-crazy, but there's nothing wrong with that! And on top of that, they are some of the most kick-ass portrayals of women out there, especially for their respective times.....In a world where women are constantly trying to be "superwoman", these girls did it without blinking, and usually while battling some ridiculously powerful evil. Geez, what terrible role models!
To start, let's take that very first princess: Snow White.
Funnily enough, I never actually liked Snow White as a kid - not for any deep or meaningful reason, but because she had short hair! (There I go, being all shallow again...) She is the only princess that I never thought was very pretty...and given that the point of her story is her incredible beauty, that was a problem.
But disappointing hair aside, Snow was a wonderful role model for women during the depression, and a lot of that carries through to today. In a time where everyone was feeling hardship and dealing with poverty (much like now), Snow was forced to dress in rags and work as a servant....but, like pretty much every princess, she doesn't bitch, whine, or complain about it. Snow just gets shit done.
When she is attacked and told to run away or she will be killed, she recovers incredibly quickly. Have a little cry, then dust yourself off, and get moving. In fact, throughout the film, she basically sees what needs to be done, and does it. She's also surprisingly upbeat about her lost love - she only mentions him once, after prodding, and even then, it's with a sort of wistful happiness - she spends the rest of her time singing, dancing, and getting on with things instead of moping about.
If Snow was a typical teenager of 2012, you can bet your ass she wouldn't be nearly as impressive.
First off, she'd rant and rave about suing the queen, but never actually go to a lawyer, because orphans on the run don't really have a lot of money. But you can bet your ass that she would talk about it a lot!!
She'd feel entitled to shelter with the dwarves for nothing, because after all, she's a famous princess! They should be honored to have her...don't they know who she IS? She'll sign an autograph, maybe, but that's IT.
Even if the dwarves asked her to keep house in return for staying, she probably wouldn't know how. Cooking from scratch? Cleaning? Sewing and mending? HA! It'd be take out pizza and running a swiffer wetjet over the floor once or twice.
If she has a bit of a feminist bent, she'd be greatly offended by the suggestion that she should clean while they went to do physical work - she is just as good as a man! She deserves a job! She will go work in the mines too! Never mind that they don't need anyone there, but do need someone in the house. Never mind that it is a skilled occupation and she doesn't have the knowledge. Never mind that it is dangerous, and she may well be putting other people at risk.
And no matter what, she would be spending the time feeling sorry for herself, wondering why this had to happen to HER. Facebook would be full of cryptic statuses aimed at garnering sympathy, and she would use twitter to bitch about being bored, so far from the city and the castle.
She'd also be pining miserably about her prince, gorging on red wine and chunky monkey ice cream, and generally wandering about with a face like a slapped arse.
She'd probably end up kicked out by the dwarves, left by the prince (who wants to be with a miserable bitch?) and killed by the queen....and it would serve the little brat right!
Moral of the story?
If you want to impress a man, it's not the cooking and cleaning that matters. It's managing to be capable and strong. These days just knowing how to cook and clean would make you pretty helpless - capable means that you can handle moving house, paying your bills, holding your liquor and changing a tire. Being someone easy to fall in love with means being someone who is strong, who stays positive even when your life seems to have gone tits up. Oh yes, and men like good food.
Bashful: "What are wicked wiles?"
Grumpy: "I don't know...but I'm against them!!"
Now that I am intending to post something on a regular basis, I have all kinds of ideas for stuff I'd like to write about. Reviews of books (writing something for 50 Shades of Godawful Writing right now!), your questions answered, all sorts of stuff that will (hopefully!) make interesting reading.
So tonight, I want to start a new series of posts on princesses!! For some reason, I have always had a bit of an obsession with Disney princesses, and what is a blog if not a place to air your obsessions under the delusion that people care? Shallow, I know, but hey! I'm a whore, remember? Who needs depth, when you have dildos....
A warning, though, to anyone assuming that I intend to trot out the same boring old line about how Disney princesses are terrible role models & isn't it cynical and funny....sleeping with seven men, talking to strangers in the woods, bursting into song, etc etc. It may be very ironic and droll, but it's just not me. I'm essentially sincere in my adoration for the Princesses - there is no campy irony in my Ariel tattoo, I just really love the story.
On top of that, I tend to think that the "slutty princess" videos/memes usually represent a very stupid, overly-literal interpretation of the movies. The princesses may have been a little man-crazy, but there's nothing wrong with that! And on top of that, they are some of the most kick-ass portrayals of women out there, especially for their respective times.....In a world where women are constantly trying to be "superwoman", these girls did it without blinking, and usually while battling some ridiculously powerful evil. Geez, what terrible role models!
To start, let's take that very first princess: Snow White.
Funnily enough, I never actually liked Snow White as a kid - not for any deep or meaningful reason, but because she had short hair! (There I go, being all shallow again...) She is the only princess that I never thought was very pretty...and given that the point of her story is her incredible beauty, that was a problem.
But disappointing hair aside, Snow was a wonderful role model for women during the depression, and a lot of that carries through to today. In a time where everyone was feeling hardship and dealing with poverty (much like now), Snow was forced to dress in rags and work as a servant....but, like pretty much every princess, she doesn't bitch, whine, or complain about it. Snow just gets shit done.
When she is attacked and told to run away or she will be killed, she recovers incredibly quickly. Have a little cry, then dust yourself off, and get moving. In fact, throughout the film, she basically sees what needs to be done, and does it. She's also surprisingly upbeat about her lost love - she only mentions him once, after prodding, and even then, it's with a sort of wistful happiness - she spends the rest of her time singing, dancing, and getting on with things instead of moping about.
If Snow was a typical teenager of 2012, you can bet your ass she wouldn't be nearly as impressive.
First off, she'd rant and rave about suing the queen, but never actually go to a lawyer, because orphans on the run don't really have a lot of money. But you can bet your ass that she would talk about it a lot!!
She'd feel entitled to shelter with the dwarves for nothing, because after all, she's a famous princess! They should be honored to have her...don't they know who she IS? She'll sign an autograph, maybe, but that's IT.
Even if the dwarves asked her to keep house in return for staying, she probably wouldn't know how. Cooking from scratch? Cleaning? Sewing and mending? HA! It'd be take out pizza and running a swiffer wetjet over the floor once or twice.
If she has a bit of a feminist bent, she'd be greatly offended by the suggestion that she should clean while they went to do physical work - she is just as good as a man! She deserves a job! She will go work in the mines too! Never mind that they don't need anyone there, but do need someone in the house. Never mind that it is a skilled occupation and she doesn't have the knowledge. Never mind that it is dangerous, and she may well be putting other people at risk.
And no matter what, she would be spending the time feeling sorry for herself, wondering why this had to happen to HER. Facebook would be full of cryptic statuses aimed at garnering sympathy, and she would use twitter to bitch about being bored, so far from the city and the castle.
She'd also be pining miserably about her prince, gorging on red wine and chunky monkey ice cream, and generally wandering about with a face like a slapped arse.
She'd probably end up kicked out by the dwarves, left by the prince (who wants to be with a miserable bitch?) and killed by the queen....and it would serve the little brat right!
Moral of the story?
If you want to impress a man, it's not the cooking and cleaning that matters. It's managing to be capable and strong. These days just knowing how to cook and clean would make you pretty helpless - capable means that you can handle moving house, paying your bills, holding your liquor and changing a tire. Being someone easy to fall in love with means being someone who is strong, who stays positive even when your life seems to have gone tits up. Oh yes, and men like good food.
Thursday 27 September 2012
Stupid Girls
"Outcasts and girls with ambition, that's what I want to see."
Pink, I love you.....but whenever I listen to this song, I kinda want to punch you in the face. With a chair. Preferably the stiletto chair that I got to take home from the last strip club I worked at. It's kinda awesome.
For an artist that had made so many amazing and empowering songs, I just can't get my head around "Stupid Girls", and not just because I can't imagine anyone wanting women to be outcasts. This is yet another slice of pop culture that hates on women who want to be sexy, and holds up smart women in direct opposition. Yet again, women who care about their looks are dumb sluts, and couldn't possibly be intelligent. But the song is also ridiculously hypocritical - bitching about not wanting to be "sexy" while simultaneously bitching about not getting a man.
In fact, the song and video are so completely offensive to Naked Nerds like myself (those that enjoy getting learned...and getting laid!) that I felt inspired to do a complete deconstruction, verse by verse, frame by frame. Enjoy.
The opening frame features a little girl who looks a little like a cute tomboy, but who is also holding a Barbie doll. Girly has an angel and a devil pop up on her shoulders - angel encourages the girl towards smarts, devil encourages her toward sexiness. Spoiler alert - but at the end of the video, the girl puts down the Barbie for a football, while the angel grins. Could this be any more blatant? I think not. Unless the entire video was a picture showing a mudflap girl with a big line through it.
Now that we have established the premise for the video (smart = good, sexy = bad, in case you weren't paying attention), lets move on.
Oh, wait, my mistake. Lets look at lots of clips of women who are dressed sexily but walking into doors, spray-tanning while falling down in the tanning booth, driving a convertible while putting on lipgloss and hitting pedestrians, looking terrified and marked up to get full body plastic surgery, etc etc. Thor himself couldn't hammer the sexy = stupid point home any harder, so lets look at the clips that try to say a little bit more.
We see an old, black and white film of 50's girl at finishing school. I'm assuming that this was to suggest that being concerned about your looks is taking the women's movement several thousand steps backwards - to a time where women were not supposed to be smart or ambitious. Kind of ironic, when you consider that this had less to do with being "pretty" and more to do with a life goal of marriage and children, and only having sex with one man, ever. Personally, I'm inclined to think that the anti-slut movement is doing more to take us back to that point then any amount of spray tanning, but maybe I'm wrong. Curling your hair will make you oppressed ladies!! Societal pressure to sleep with as few men as possible is MUCH more liberating!!
Now comes the scene that shows the REAL point of the song. Apparently, we are supposed to be ambitious, smart, etc. But this little clip focuses on how much Pink wants to get the attention of a man. At a bowling alley, we see a gal pick up a ball who is dressed in a jean shirt and tank top (SLUT!! SLUT!!! Oh wait, that's actually pretty normal. But she has boobs - SLUT!) and then get excited and jump up and down when she scores as Pink shakes her head and looks disgusted. Given that this girl isn't actually dressed that terribly (she's not wearing a lycra mini, for god's sake), the disgust is either at the fact that she is attractive, or that she is enthusiastic and happy, and being a bit silly - enjoying the nice, wholesome game of bowling, in other words. What a terrible role model that is. MUCH better to be the miserable bitch on the sidelines judging other women - that's attractive. More so when she pulls a tag to inflate her chest to try to get her man's attention. REALLY? We are going to hate on the happy, confident girl playing in the next lane, but hold up the bitchy, bitter girl as a role model, when she changes her physical appearance to get her guy's attention?
And this isn't the only scene like that in the video. Later on, we see basically the same thing, when Pink is in the gym. Rather than focusing on her workout, she is casting around rather pathetically to try and get a personal trainer to look at her. When he ignores her, and goes to talk to another girl, she immediately takes off her top, and then turns to try and flaunt her chest at him....leading to her losing her pants on the treadmill while the other girls laughs. Much like the bowling alley scene, the "other woman" isn't even ridiculously sexy. She has boobs, but she is wearing fairly standard gym gear, isn't overly made up, and has her hair in pigtails. Again, I'm not really feeling any sympathy for Pink here. She's at the gym trying to hit on some guy, rather than focusing on...oh, I don't know....working out to be healthy and have a strong body? In fact, she is SO focused on catching the man that she hurts herself, and looks pretty darn stupid in the process. Out of the two, I'd pick the idiot flinging herself at a guys feet, stripping off and falling down as the "stupid girl"....and the girl who is focused on her workout until the moment someone comes over to talk as the smart one - and the least desperate.
Listen to the chorus, and it is more of the same - bitter rantings about wanting to get male attention! Rather than being about truly independent women who aren't too concerned about men, the song laments the fact that she feels like she should behave like a moron in order to get a man.
"Maybe if I act like that/That guy will call me back/Maybe if I act like that/Flipping my blonde hair back/Push up my bra like that/Pull my hair I'll suck it girl."
How is this a song about being ambitious, intelligent or strong? This is a song about a bitter woman bitching that she can't get the men she is interested in without acting like a bimbo.
At this point, the song has gone far beyond just backing the idea that smart women aren't sexy and are ignored by men. Now we have moved on to the idea that male attention is the ultimate goal. And ladies, if the men you are interested in are only interested in thin women with big boobs, (and that isn't you) you shouldn't move on. You also shouldn't have surgery, or attempt to dress differently or tan. Rather, you should become bitter, angry and pathetic. You should beg for attention, look desperate, and look down on other women. In fact, other than the shot of the "girl president" who is standing on a podium wearing glasses (of COURSE she is wearing glasses! Smart people wear glasses!), and a girl playing football, we don't actually see any positive images of women, just nasty images of the women that she hates. No shots of a woman at school, at college, working at an office, working from home, with friends (female or male), in a happy relationship, with a happy family. Nope - just pathetically failing to get laid.
Thanks, Pink. Still wondering what happened to the dream of the girl president? Maybe she got so caught up in looking for a man, that she stopped caring about a mandate.
Pink, I love you.....but whenever I listen to this song, I kinda want to punch you in the face. With a chair. Preferably the stiletto chair that I got to take home from the last strip club I worked at. It's kinda awesome.
For an artist that had made so many amazing and empowering songs, I just can't get my head around "Stupid Girls", and not just because I can't imagine anyone wanting women to be outcasts. This is yet another slice of pop culture that hates on women who want to be sexy, and holds up smart women in direct opposition. Yet again, women who care about their looks are dumb sluts, and couldn't possibly be intelligent. But the song is also ridiculously hypocritical - bitching about not wanting to be "sexy" while simultaneously bitching about not getting a man.
In fact, the song and video are so completely offensive to Naked Nerds like myself (those that enjoy getting learned...and getting laid!) that I felt inspired to do a complete deconstruction, verse by verse, frame by frame. Enjoy.
The opening frame features a little girl who looks a little like a cute tomboy, but who is also holding a Barbie doll. Girly has an angel and a devil pop up on her shoulders - angel encourages the girl towards smarts, devil encourages her toward sexiness. Spoiler alert - but at the end of the video, the girl puts down the Barbie for a football, while the angel grins. Could this be any more blatant? I think not. Unless the entire video was a picture showing a mudflap girl with a big line through it.
Now that we have established the premise for the video (smart = good, sexy = bad, in case you weren't paying attention), lets move on.
Oh, wait, my mistake. Lets look at lots of clips of women who are dressed sexily but walking into doors, spray-tanning while falling down in the tanning booth, driving a convertible while putting on lipgloss and hitting pedestrians, looking terrified and marked up to get full body plastic surgery, etc etc. Thor himself couldn't hammer the sexy = stupid point home any harder, so lets look at the clips that try to say a little bit more.
We see an old, black and white film of 50's girl at finishing school. I'm assuming that this was to suggest that being concerned about your looks is taking the women's movement several thousand steps backwards - to a time where women were not supposed to be smart or ambitious. Kind of ironic, when you consider that this had less to do with being "pretty" and more to do with a life goal of marriage and children, and only having sex with one man, ever. Personally, I'm inclined to think that the anti-slut movement is doing more to take us back to that point then any amount of spray tanning, but maybe I'm wrong. Curling your hair will make you oppressed ladies!! Societal pressure to sleep with as few men as possible is MUCH more liberating!!
Now comes the scene that shows the REAL point of the song. Apparently, we are supposed to be ambitious, smart, etc. But this little clip focuses on how much Pink wants to get the attention of a man. At a bowling alley, we see a gal pick up a ball who is dressed in a jean shirt and tank top (SLUT!! SLUT!!! Oh wait, that's actually pretty normal. But she has boobs - SLUT!) and then get excited and jump up and down when she scores as Pink shakes her head and looks disgusted. Given that this girl isn't actually dressed that terribly (she's not wearing a lycra mini, for god's sake), the disgust is either at the fact that she is attractive, or that she is enthusiastic and happy, and being a bit silly - enjoying the nice, wholesome game of bowling, in other words. What a terrible role model that is. MUCH better to be the miserable bitch on the sidelines judging other women - that's attractive. More so when she pulls a tag to inflate her chest to try to get her man's attention. REALLY? We are going to hate on the happy, confident girl playing in the next lane, but hold up the bitchy, bitter girl as a role model, when she changes her physical appearance to get her guy's attention?
And this isn't the only scene like that in the video. Later on, we see basically the same thing, when Pink is in the gym. Rather than focusing on her workout, she is casting around rather pathetically to try and get a personal trainer to look at her. When he ignores her, and goes to talk to another girl, she immediately takes off her top, and then turns to try and flaunt her chest at him....leading to her losing her pants on the treadmill while the other girls laughs. Much like the bowling alley scene, the "other woman" isn't even ridiculously sexy. She has boobs, but she is wearing fairly standard gym gear, isn't overly made up, and has her hair in pigtails. Again, I'm not really feeling any sympathy for Pink here. She's at the gym trying to hit on some guy, rather than focusing on...oh, I don't know....working out to be healthy and have a strong body? In fact, she is SO focused on catching the man that she hurts herself, and looks pretty darn stupid in the process. Out of the two, I'd pick the idiot flinging herself at a guys feet, stripping off and falling down as the "stupid girl"....and the girl who is focused on her workout until the moment someone comes over to talk as the smart one - and the least desperate.
Listen to the chorus, and it is more of the same - bitter rantings about wanting to get male attention! Rather than being about truly independent women who aren't too concerned about men, the song laments the fact that she feels like she should behave like a moron in order to get a man.
"Maybe if I act like that/That guy will call me back/Maybe if I act like that/Flipping my blonde hair back/Push up my bra like that/Pull my hair I'll suck it girl."
How is this a song about being ambitious, intelligent or strong? This is a song about a bitter woman bitching that she can't get the men she is interested in without acting like a bimbo.
At this point, the song has gone far beyond just backing the idea that smart women aren't sexy and are ignored by men. Now we have moved on to the idea that male attention is the ultimate goal. And ladies, if the men you are interested in are only interested in thin women with big boobs, (and that isn't you) you shouldn't move on. You also shouldn't have surgery, or attempt to dress differently or tan. Rather, you should become bitter, angry and pathetic. You should beg for attention, look desperate, and look down on other women. In fact, other than the shot of the "girl president" who is standing on a podium wearing glasses (of COURSE she is wearing glasses! Smart people wear glasses!), and a girl playing football, we don't actually see any positive images of women, just nasty images of the women that she hates. No shots of a woman at school, at college, working at an office, working from home, with friends (female or male), in a happy relationship, with a happy family. Nope - just pathetically failing to get laid.
Thanks, Pink. Still wondering what happened to the dream of the girl president? Maybe she got so caught up in looking for a man, that she stopped caring about a mandate.
The Naked Nerd
I saw this picture on Pinterest the other day, and it made me so angry that I just had to write about it!
In theory, I get the idea. Clearly, encouraging women to read and be intelligent is no bad thing. I'm not the Naked Nerd for nothing - my literary tastes are as promiscuous as my sexual ones and I take college courses online for fun; all in all, I'm a big fan of the learning! Smart women are sexy, and stupidity is never attractive.
So why does this image get me so worked up? Geez, it even has a pin-up style lady posing, and a tattooed arm! I should be singing its praises, not shooting it down, right? Wrong.
This makes me angry because it is yet another quote/pic/meme that serves to perpetuate the stereotype that women who enjoy sex must be stupid. I am so sick of the smart/slutty or smart/sexy dichotomy - the idea that women have a choice between being intelligent and being sex kittens.
We can see this everywhere in popular culture - it seems like every TV series or movie with two female leads has to make on character the "sexy one" and one the "bright but plain one". Look at Buffy (one of my favorite shows, btw) - or more accurately, look at Buffy vs Willow, her geeky friend. Buffy is clearly the sexy one - cheerleader, perky, bright, lots of sex scenes....and pretty ditzy and dumb. On the other hand, her friend Willow is dressed more conservatively (and looks kind of frumpy), but is smart as all heck - hacking government websites, aceing her classes, teaching herself witchcraft...and it takes her almost half the show to get a real boyfriend. There is even a clear subplot love triangle - Willow likes Xander, but he only has eyes for sexy Buffy. And this is just one example...want some more?
- Daphne vs Thelma in Scooby Doo. Thelma solves all the mysteries in big glasses, while Daphne....sucks Fred's dick? We don't really see what she does.
- Sam vs Dean in supernatural. Dean sluts around, eats pie and shoots stuff, while Sam stays largely celibate, does all the research, and gets all twisted up about the deep and meaningful. It's not just girls anymore!
- In Her Shoes. Cute movie, shame it has to revolve around the worst kind of stereotyping. One sister - big time career girl who is overweight, miserable, and so shocked that a guy slept with her that she tried to take a picture of him in her bed. Other sister - cute, sexy, flirts her way into and out of all situations....but flat broke and basically illiterate.
I won't keep listing them, because it'll make this too long, given how much more I have to say. But you get the point - there is always a sexy/slutty bimbo OR a brainy girl with a few extra pounds and bad eyesight.
I'm about ready for that to stop. I am sick of people assuming that I'm digging through my g-strings for two brain cells to rub together. I am sick of the look of surprise on someone's face when I reveal that I can translate latin. But I'm not willing to be viewed as a sexless nerd brain, either.
What is a girl to do? If she enjoys sex, she is assumed stupid. If she glories in her smarts, she is assumed prudish and plain. I don't think that anyone should be made to feel stupid OR ugly (unless, of course, they are. Natch.). It's not as though brains and beauty are directly correlated - you don't actually get uglier the more you learn, and sex doesn't cause loss of brain cells unless you hit your head on the headboard REALLY hard.
So screw the stereotype. Sluts can be smart, and nerds can be hot. Lets get rid of these anti-slut images, and start being more positive all around. Lets encourage women (and men!) to be as sexy as they want, to explore their sexual identity, AND to cram as much learning into their heads as possible.
Open books AND legs! Blow a guys mind....AND his head!
Naked Nerds - be PROUD of who you are.
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