50 Reasons to Hate Grey

Christian Grey is a dick.

OK, that's not really a reason, or a major issue for a fictional character. Some of my favorite literary figures are assholes of one kind or another. It makes them interesting, gives them depth, creates a certain relatability, given that few real people don't have at least a touch of the jerk to them.

The issue that I have with Mr Grey, therefore, is not that he is a dick, but that he isn't presented as a dick. He is drawn as the prince of the Shades of Grey trilogy, and not even a prince in disguise. E L James created him to be a slightly dark and complicated hero, but a hero nonetheless - the kind of man that women would swoon over, search for, hold up as an ideal of what love truly is.

Apparently, if you love someone, you should do this stuff:

1. He pursues a woman while believing that he will damage her.
What an amazing man, totally at the mercy of his overwhelming feelings toward her - that even though he knows that she is an "innocent", he just can't help himself but to keep going after her! Awwwwww.....
 OR - what a completely selfish thing to do. This is not a man who is stupid, or lacks willpower, remember. This is apparently a multi-billionaire, smart and ruthless enough to build his empire by his mid-twenties, more than capable of making hard decisions. He recognizes that he shouldn't do something, but then does it anyway, and calls that love.

2. He takes stalking to the level of an Olympic sport. Within an HOUR of meeting this woman, he gets every scrap of information possible about her, her family, and her friends, and has no compunction about using it to find her.

3. He is a criminal. Whoops - E L James just quietly glosses over the fact that throughout the books, he rides roughshod over a wide range of laws. Starting with his stalker tendencies, which break a whole bunch of privacy laws (digital and otherwise), as well as put him involved in hacking (the only way to get most of that information so quickly would be to hack various databases). He assaults or pays to have assaulted Ana's first employer, and arranges to have him fired illegally (it wouldn't have been difficult to go through the proper channels, but instead he goes the hired thug route. Classy). His "rescue" of Ana plays jump rope with the line between saving and kidnapping, and he buys a company in which he has a personal interest without disclosing that to shareholders.

4. He chooses to take the law into his own hands, rather than calling the police. At several points, he actively decides to avoid "bringing the police into this", even with "this" puts various people's lives in danger. Nope, the big strong Mr Grey can handle it on his own. God complex, anyone?

5. He continues to play with the feelings of ex-partners. He keeps Elena in his life, encouraging and working with her, despite her obvious feelings for him. He then cruelly play with her - alternately shutting her out and having clandestine meetings with her. He also makes sure that even though he is finished with his past sub, he keeps control over her by supporting her financially, keeping her in his debt.

6. He blames Ana for her behavior when she is tipsy, but encourages her to drink at all times. And I mean ALL times. On the plus side, reading this book will make you feel much better about your own consumption, no matter how much that is.

7. He is freakishly jealous. To the point that he buys a series of portraits of her, despite the fact that she is embarrassed about them. He does this not because he thinks her so beautiful, or wants her to have them for when she is old and grey (geddit?), but because he doesn't want anyone else to be able to look at her.

8. He apparently has a magic penis. Although you would never know it, as the word "penis" is never used. Nor is "cock", "dick" or really anything that isn't a ridiculous euphemism - "length", "hardness"....occasionally "erection" if James is feeling particularly raunchy. The way I see it, he must have bought himself a medical research team to make sure that he can ejaculate repeatedly within a short space of time, ejaculate either without losing an erection, or with the ability to lose and regain a hard-on within minutes, and have complete control over his own orgasms. Not much for your boyfriend to live up to, then.

9. He also has the magic gift of the orgasm. Now this is an impossible standard for the ladies AND the men to live up to. Men, you should be able to make your gal cum with a flick of her nipple. If you can't, then either you are a terrible lover or she is a frigid bitch. Oh, and you MUST make her orgasm every single time, preferably repeatedly. Women, if your man doesn't make you instantly wet at all times of day and night, and if you cannot force your body to orgasm, you fail. The man hands out orgasms like complimentary mints - no pressure.

10. He doesn't want her to have a career. I have no problems with women who decide that they would rather make a career of their family, vounteering, whatever. I DO have a problem with a man that repeatedly encourages his wife/gf to leave the job that she loves, because he doesn't want her to work, earn money, or generally have independence.

11. When he can't make her leave her career, he has a nifty little trick that allows her to keep it, but actually stops it from being hers, and makes it his instead. This trick is called "buy the company she works for and give it to her". Seems like a big romantic gesture, actually is just a way of giving her his money and taking away any excuse she could have for working instead of seeing him - she never has to worry about her professional reputation or being fired.

12. He teaches her that BDSM is actually just something that emotionally damaged people do. It is made very clear that the ONLY reason he got into this lifestyle is that he needed an outlet for his damaged soul. Now that she has "healed" him, he doesn't need such things anymore. God forbid that she ever discovers a fetish of her own, or it'll be off to therapy!

13. Oh wait, he already put her in therapy.

14. He pushes her to move ridiculously quickly. By the end of the third book, they are married and pregnant....and the trilogy takes place over the span of about a YEAR. Maybe a year and a half. That timetable is - meet, fall in love, and move in together within a couple of months. Then get engaged immediately, plan a wedding in a few months, get married, immediately get knocked up. This is not romantic, this is rushing.

15. He is moody. I am so sick of "romantic" men always acting like teenage girls on their period. You know what's really romantic? Emotional stability.

16. He is either a liar or a psychological marvel. I vote liar, but I know that James wanted it to be the second option, which is insulting to both the entire profession of psychology AND anyone who is working through their own issues. The guy has spent 20 years being fucked up, trying to work through his past, paying reams of psychologists and therapists, but to no avail. He was so damaged that he was mute for a time, and still has a severe touch phobia. But once he meets Ana, all of this goes away. Within a year. Sure, he is still jealous, possessive, demanding, demeaning...but he has completely got over all of his major trauma. Riiiiight.

17. He believes that anyone can be bought, and that money trumps all. Throughout the book, he pays people obscene amounts of money to work outside of their offices and office hours. He just "makes a call" and the best doctors, security men, whatever...pop up. Out of nowhere. To make housecalls. Never mind that his desire to force his girlfriend to take hormones can wait a day or two, nope, he needs to bribe a woman away from her day off to deal with it NOW. Because he can.

18. He believes that birth control is the woman's problem. No matter that he can (and does) use condoms until she has capitulated, it is all up to her. There is never a discussion of WHETHER she wants to go on birth control, if she is comfortable with taking large amounts of synthetic hormones, there is just a phone call to a doctor. Apparently she discusses options with that doctor, but I'm guessing that "keep using condoms" wasn't one of them.

19. He has no problem with blackmail. In fact,  he keeps photos in his safe for that exact reason.

20. Wait, that doesn't make sense. The photos exist to prevent women from coming out to the media about the type of relationship they have had with him. But what would the photos DO, exactly? If the woman actually came out to the media, releasing the photos would just add fuel to the fire - the woman has already admitted what she did, so what difference would photos make to her? Or does he continually threaten to send them to her loved ones to keep her from telling anyone.....which still doesn't make sense, because if he released the photos, everyone would know his predilections. Methinks this may be another lie, and he just likes to jack off to his conquests. Or E L James didn't think that through.

21. He is deeply into the BDSM scene, but uses completely incongruous language. "Behind"? Seriously???

22. He is deeply into the BDSM scene, but considers it a dirty and shameful secret. Back to the blackmail here - despite owning his own companies, not being involved in politics, and not having a board of directors to answer to (or products that could really be boycotted) he is deeply afraid of anyone finding out that he like the occasional spanking. I'm aware that, sadly, this is fairly common, but it's not something that we should be applauding.

23. He is completely unforgiving. Of everyone. Always. Do not cross the Grey, or you will never be able to make it up to him. Most notably, despite 20 years of therapy (or thereabouts) he still cannot even BEGIN to forgive his birth mother. I'm sure that at some point in there, at least one therapist would have suggested the referring to her only as "the crack whore" does nothing but perpetuate his anger. No?

24. He fires people at the drop of a hat. Ruthless businessman, sure, that's a good quality. SO ruthless that you fire people before even ascertaining the situation, or whether they were at fault - not so good.

25. He has very little respect for other people. This crosses a lot of things - his insta-firing, his blackmailing, his interruption of professionals personal lives...but he gets a special mention for the PDA that crosses into obscenity. In one elevator scene, he is basically fingering Ana in a crowded lift, which is supposed to be "hot" and show how passionate they are. I just feel sorry for the other people. Apparently he doesn't care if he is making anyone else uncomfortable or upset - in fact, that makes it hotter.

26. He presents himself as a BDSM master, King of Kink.....but really, the things he does are fairly tame, even when talking about his "Red Room of Pain". I'm aware that this is yet another fault of the ill-informed author, not the character, but still. Two whole books to stick a finger in her ass? Oooh.....filthy.

27. He has a serious superiority complex. It is far too dangerous for HER to drive a jetski, but he can do it, because he is so much better. He knows what is best. He knows what he is doing. She is clearly incapable.

28. He loves to show off his money, even if it makes her uncomfortable. Despite her constant references to how uncomfortable she feels when he is being lavish, he tells her to "get used to it", but doesn't actually give her a chance to ease into it, because he is constantly dropping tens of thousands of dollars on her. Daily.

29. He loves to show off, period. And who doesn't love a man who bases every date around yet another thing he owns/does/can do? Being impressed with yourself is such an attractive quality.

30. He's clean shaven and un-tattooed. Ok, that is totally a personal preference......but if you are going to write such a caricature of a "bad boy" at least give him something!!!

31. He is one of those guys that likes to date thin women, but tries to make them fat. If you don't already know, this is one of the techniques most commonly employed by abusive partners - getting a woman to gain weight so that they feel unattractive and are less likely to leave. He is constantly haranguing her about food, telling her to eat when she is not hungry, giving her seriously rich foods...and then he uses backhanded compliments when she (obviously) gains weight.

32. He is unbelievably controlling. It had to be in the list somewhere.

33. He is rude to her best friends, and tries to prevent her seeing them. Nice. Also an abusive relationship sign, being cut off from friends. Later in the books, he puts up with them, but he's still not happy about it.

34.  He fishes for compliments. Oh, who me? I have a musical talent? I have an amazing voice? Oh I had no idea you were listening....

35. He makes a big scene about wanting her to be healthy, and how she HAS to get 8 hours sleep a night or will be punished, then gets out of bed every night and plays the damn grand piano. Have you ever heard a grand piano? They be loud.

36. Also on the grand piano thing, either he had one specially designed for sex, or we have discovered more magical powers. I've modeled on a grand. That whole scene was just flat out wrong.

37. When she leaves him (and with good reason!!) he makes a giant production out of it, then guilts the hell out of her by hinting at suicidal thoughts. Very mature and emotionally stable. Way to recognize your own faults in your actions, not just your words.

38. He claims that she is "special", yet he makes it clear to her that she is being given the same clothes, stylist, doctor, trainer, and car as every other girl he has been with. I feel so special!

39. He forces her to sell her beloved first car. I don't know about you, but I absolutely adored my first car - it was a beat up old piece of crap, but it had great sentimental significance. It's clear that hers does too, but oh well. Never mind.

40.He loves to make her feel stupid. When it comes to technology and sex, especially - constantly smirking at her, being very patronizing when explaining things, etc etc. Of course, this is mitigated slightly by how very stupid she is. (Who the heck goes through college but doesn't know how to research a topic online???)

41. He hires people that he knows will make his wife uncomfortable, but acts like it is no big deal. Prime example - "Oh, here is this designer for the house. Yes, I know that she wants me. Yes, I know that she is hitting on me. Yes, I know that it makes you upset. Fire her? God no, we reserve that for people who are doing what you tell them to do."

42. He is the king of double standards. "You didn't call in exactly 20 minutes like you promised? I am furious, and we will have a giant fight.". "I got in a helicopter crash and didn't contact anyone for a day? Well, I didn't really think about it." SERIOUSLY???

43. He constantly compliments her looks, but rarely (if ever) her brain. Nice to know she'll still be loved if/when she loses her youth and beauty.

44. He has a violent and unpredictable temper. How does this not bother her?

45. He is apparently really stupid when it comes to gun ownership, and gun laws. Yet more law-breaking - he keeps a gun that does not belong to him and that is not registered in his name. He keeps it in his desk drawer - not only stupid, but usually illegal (in most places, guns have to be kept in a locked cabinet). He keeps a loaded gun despite not knowing how to use it. He could easily research any of this, or talk to any of his highly trained security men about it, but apparently this is a blind spot for him. It's only a deadly weapon, after all.

46. He has no friends. Career-minded or not, this is always a big red flag.

47. He makes his wife/gf the absolute center of his universe. Probably because he has no friends, which is a lot of pressure to put on one person. Being everything to a person is never a comfortable place to be.

48. He expects that he will be the center of his wife/gfs universe in return. Hence the annoyance at her job, social life, etc. That is a nice, healthy relationship.

49. He keeps secrets, hides his past, is evasive, cold and withholds as much information as he can. Another stellar trait from this shining example of manhood.

50. Finally, he is one of the most blatantly manipulative characters ever. He isn't even really subtle about it, but basically uses classical conditioning on his girlfriend. Do what I want, and I will be open, kind, caring and give you unlimited orgasms. Don't do what I want, and I'll be sullen, angry, moody, insulting, and withhold affection. Sit girl! Staaay!

Good dog!! I mean....wife.