Bad Sex Positions: The Mother Theresa

Remember last time, when I talked about how trying really, really hard in bed can actually be a bad thing?

Well, it turns out that there is more than one way to be a little TOO "generous".

While some men are pounding away mercilessly at their victims (ahem. Partners.) as per their instructional porn, there are others who have swung so far in the other direction that they have practically gone full circle. These are the ones who would never dream of pounding away - not even if you beg them. They don't want a good ol fashioned dick sucking - they are different. They truly want to go down on you, instead. For hours. They want to take you to new heights. They want to make you orgasm so many times that your vagina just falls off right there and then, thus guaranteeing that no other man shall ever, EVER, make you feel so good.

Whether you like it, or not.

That is the thing about the Mother Theresa. He's still not listening to what you actually want. He's not responding to your body, or recognizing that maybe you have done enough exploratory research to have a general idea of what you like.

Nope. He has heard that the porn stars are doing it wrong, and has figured out that magic formula for doing it "right". It's simple, really. Do the exact, polar opposite of the porn star. Which means lots of lovely stroking....LOTS of oral.....lots of gentle sex. And if you suggest, for even a second, that you don't actually LIKE oral sex that much - well, you haven't had HIM do it yet.

Which is, frankly, just a little insulting. Why not tell him that he should let you fuck him with a strap on while connecting his nipples to a car battery and spraying whipped cream up his ass. Not into it? No, no no, honey. It's not that you aren't into it, it's that you just haven't had the right person do it yet.

Guess what? By the time that we get to a certain level of sexual experience (which is, really, any level) we have probably figured out what we really do like, what we really DON'T like, and what we aren't sure about yet. Deciding to override that in order to prove your dominance over the female orgasm is not, in fact, a generous act.

In reality, there is nothing charitable about giving your jaw a cramp to try and force a woman to orgasm, or refusing to let her near you while you slog away for hours on end trying to make her see God.

Yes, it seems fairly counter-intuitive. Yes, I can practically hear men tearing their hair out in response to the idea that not only do women not want what porn tells you they want, they also don't want the opposite. (This is why so many men are bald, but so few women. Men are easier to figure out in the sack, apparently.)

Put the follicles down, boys, and lean in while I tell you a secret about what women want.

It. Depends. On. The. Woman.

In fact, even with just one woman, it depends on the day, time, phase of the moon, movie she just watched and how many glasses of wine she just had. You will never, ever, find a magic formula for how to make every woman in the entire world cum. Because every woman in the entire world does it differently. Sorry.

Actually, I'm not sorry. I won't apologize for asking a man to be constantly aware of, and interacting with, the person he is having sex with. Sex is still a pretty intimate thing - and everyone should really be fairly cognizant of the responses of the person that they are currently having sex with.

It isn't a competition. It isn't a chance to prove that you are the "best she ever had". Even if it was, "best" isn't a keyword for "most consecutive orgasms". Seriously - the best sex I ever had is definitely not the leader in number of orgasms. Not even second. It also isn't a charity case, where you have to do penance for having a dick, and make it all about the other person, all the time. If she is really into you, then she probably would really like to make you happy, as well. Taking away that opportunity for yet another session of pussy-licking is actually pretty selfish. Ignoring her requests and responses in favor of what you just KNOW she will like "once she's had you do it" is definitely selfish - it is trying to prove that you are Number One. This isn't generosity, it is grandstanding. It is trying to elevate yourself above everyone else that she has ever had sex with, and really, doesn't that just seem like you are trying too hard? She's having sex with you now, buddy, isn't that enough? Do you really have to prove yourself, instead of just enjoying yourself? And if you do, well isn't that level of insecurity just a little bit sad?

 Are you so determined to mark your territory with her cum?

You may as well just pee on her and have done with it.