Friday 12 July 2013

Bad Sex Positions: The Repeater

I love bacon.

I made myself two bacon sandwiches today. 

I love bacon so much that I think it may be the one.

I may want to go shopping for a big white dress.

It's....it's BACON.

However. If I had to eat bacon every day, you can bet your ass that I would start to resent it. It would be boring. The awesome, fatty, salty, crispy goodness that is bacon (god, I want to make another sandwich just thinking about it) would become boring. Uninteresting. Dull. Even, god forbid....a little gross.

Once I worked in a cupcake bakery. It was amazing. The air smelled like sugar. I could eat all I wanted. It was sugary, fluffy, pink-frosted heaven. After the first month, I didn't gain a pound.

In the Cadbury factory in England, the workers can eat all the chocolate they want. Yet, taking the tour, you don't see employees stuffing themselves with goodies like Augustus Gloop.

What gives?

Very simply, variety is the spice of life.

It also puts the spice in sex life.

Which means that, let's be blunt, no matter how awesome it was that one time that you fucked that one girl and she came, like, seventeen million times.....if you just put your thing down, flip it and reverse it... every single night.....it'll suck.

Think you have already done "everything"? Excuse me whilst I crap myself laughing (which, btw, is a whole other fetish unto itself). There are greater things on bed and bunk, Horatio, than have been ever in your wet dreams.

That doesn't mean that you can't revisit the classics, but y'know how there is one song that is always played on the radio, that makes you want to punch yourself in the face? And that other one that is on so rarely that you pump the air and tell your passengers to shut up whenever you hear it? In bed, you want to be the second one.

The brain is the biggest sex organ. Now go use it to be creative, and don't become a repeater, or you'll find she keeps turning you down in disgust to talk to the hot guy in the passenger seat.

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