The Responsible Slut: The Phone Call No One Wants To Make

So you read last week's "Responsible Slut" post, and you went and got yourself tested. It was pretty hassle-free, painless, and you are feeling nice and proud of yourself for doing the right thing. Good for you! High five!

And then you get a phone call. Looks like your results weren't the clean slate that you wanted to have, and somehow, somewhere, from someone...you picked something up.

Shit.

Now what?

First off - don't freak out. These things happen. Unfortunately, they still carry a stigma - that only "dirty" people can get an STD. That is seventeen shades of bullshit, so put it out of your mind. For one thing, it just isn't true. More importantly, no case of Chlamydia has ever been cured with a dose of self-flagellation. Beating yourself up about it ain't gonna do a damn thing. Antibiotics will. Step one - go get them. Start taking them straight away - and pay attention to instructions on not having sex until you are sure it is out of your system.

Once you are on the way to clearing it out of your system, time to do the hard part. Telling anyone else that you have slept with that they might need to get checked as well.

I would love to tell you that this part doesn't suck. If you are lucky, it won't. Best case scenario, you contact a couple people, they don't make a big deal out of it, everybody gets on with their lives.

Worst case scenario, this is the first time you have been tested, and you have to spend a day talking to everyone you have ever bumped uglies with, and at least one of them is going to get disproportionately angry about it and make you feel like crap.

Well, you are just going to have to man up and do it anyway. As tempting as it may be to just ignore the problem, or conveniently lose some contact info, you just can't. It's a total dick move.

There are some ways to make it easier on yourself, though.

- You don't actually have to call them. You just have to get that information to them somehow. Text, e-mail, DM, whatever. It's often a lot easier to tell someone if you don't have to actually hear their reaction. Obviously, you want to be discreet about it; skywriting and facebook walls are not acceptable.
- Don't make a big deal about it. People will take their cue from you. If you calmly and simply state that you tested positive for x, therefore they may have it too, and should go to the doctor, it will actually go down a lot easier than if you are flailing and apologizing all over the place.
- If someone reacts by being a total douchebag, don't feel the need to respond. Think of this kind of like exchanging insurance information after a fender bender. You do the bare minimum to be a considerate adult, and if they fly off the handle, you get out of there as fast as you can.

At the end of the day, there may well be some point in your life when you are either giving (or receiving) the get-checked call. Either way, try to stay calm, and try to be kind.

And pour yourself a drink.