Bad Sex Positions: The Batman

Now how, you ask, could sex reminiscent of BATMAN be bad? For that matter, how could ANYTHING that reminds you of the awesomeness of the Batman be anything but awesome, just by association?

Don't get me wrong, I'm a Batman fan-girl myself - and I will never believe any woman who would claim to be willing to kick Mr Wayne out of bed. Can you imagine what his bedroom utility belt contains?

The name is actually a reference to the Joker as much as the Batman, and one very famous line.

 

Here is the thing. I know that it often comes across as though I have a big fat rulebook for sex. Things that should and shouldn't be done, said, worn, or repeated. Things that are ok, things that are amusing, things that are dealbreakers. I apologize profusely if I have given anyone the impression that getting into bed with me requires a reading list and a cram session (giggidy) beforehand. Or that "good" sex is some overly-complex, finely tuned performance. It really, really isn't.

Most of the things that I am writing about seem, well, obvious to me! They aren't rules you should have to learn, they should be second nature. For the most part, it is about UN-learning random "advice" picked up from men's or women's trashy magazines, or watching too much staged porn, or conferring with people who know less than you do about the subject. This one is no exception. In fact, this one is so obvious, so intuitive that I cannot believe that I have to say it.

Sex. Should. Be. Fun.

I know, I know. Shocking concept. Total gamechanger.

Unless you are on camera, sex is NOT a performance. You don't have to get everything right in one take. You don't have to get everything right, full stop. Sex is incredibly pleasurable (hopefully), feels amazing, is more fun than anything else. That is why, when we want to express how amazing something is, we say that it is "better than sex".

Sex is also kinda funny. Again, unless you are on camera, you probably don't have a perfect body. Even if you DO have a perfect body, there are times during sex where it looks....kinda weird. Or lumpy. Or (gasp) makes some kind of unintended NOISE. Or where attempts at doing something you saw somewhere cause something funny to happen. I have been fucked right off the edge of a bed before. I have lost a contact giving head in the shower, been walked in on, commented on, and accidentally scared half to death by an inquisitive dog nose to my foot in the throes of passion.

I don't know about you, but generally, if something is funny, or I am having fun (or both), a strange thing tends to happen. My face starts to crinkle into a new position known as a "smile". Sometimes, I make a noise commonly known as "laughter". Believe it or not, these are common responses to fun and humor.

So why is it that so many people are so damned straight-faced during sex? What rule is there that says that the bedroom is not a place to actually show your partner that you are enjoying yourself, but instead somewhere you have to either squeeze your eyes completely shut, or stare at the other person with such intensity that you may actually burn out their retinas with the power of your mind?

Yes, there are moments where both of those expressions are reasonable, involuntary, sexy as all hell. But there are also moments where smiling and laughing are appropriate, too. I always wonder, if caught under a Batman who is glowering away at the headboard - is he actually enjoying this? He just seems....angry. Or maybe completely focused. I wonder if he is thinking about baseball to try and prolong things, or thinking about that report he has due in the morning, or wondering about the future of Gotham City. I wonder if he is just focused on getting it over and done with. And I have REASON to wonder these things - if there is absolutely zero indication that your partner is enjoying themselves, it makes sense to wonder if they actually are.

Now, I'm not suggesting that anyone should cackle maniacally throughout sex, or even HAS to laugh at all. A forced smile may in fact be far creepier and more off-putting.

Don't ever. Ever. Do this.


But for god's sake, relax! Smile if it feels good. Laugh if it is funny. Save the intense stares for the intense moments. Let your facial expressions happen however they want, and just enjoy it! It's really not that huge a deal, people - you are having sex, not fighting the forces of evil.